


The Borrowed Self

by Caprica_Janeway



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-17 18:27:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 24,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11857158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caprica_Janeway/pseuds/Caprica_Janeway
Summary: An encounter with an intriguing spacial phenomenon finds Chakotay hearing the cries of a familiar child only he can hear (Janeway/Chakotay).





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set towards the end of season 3. Originally part of the Prixin Prompt back in May, but real life got annoyingly in the way.
> 
> PROMPT:  
> One of Janeway/Chakotay begins to have hallucinations that are progressively getting worse. The Doctor seems sure there is no cure so they recuse themselves from duty.

He was woken by a cry.

Meandering through waves of unconsciousness he heard her. The cry punctured through each layer as his mind slowly shifted. The sound of the cry heightened, until he felt himself floating to a place just beneath consciousness. Dark, but filtering through were flecks of purple and blue, the weight upon his eyes was lifting, the noise softening, and then it came again.

The piercing cry was desperate, and altogether not adult.

_A child, no a baby._

Realisation quickly turned darkness into shocking colour, and thrown from sleep Chakotay sat up. He threw his covers aside and looked around his room. The noise was so loud he could only conclude in his confused mind, that the child was somewhere here. Whatever sense it didn't make was overturned by the desperation of the child. He walked around his bedroom, then into the bathroom and his office - but he saw nothing, and with each step the sound began to fade. Shaking his head he dropped himself on his bed and quickly felt the disorientation of waking so quickly. Returning to bed he covered himself and stared at the ceiling, waiting, and hoping that he'd go to sleep quickly.

He hadn't closed his eyes for longer than a few seconds before he heard the child again. The cry had changed slightly, it was less desperate, more impatient and grumpy. He turned himself towards the sound, to face the wall that separated him from Kathryn. Through the wall he imagined his sleeping captain, completely oblivious to all that he was currently hearing and experiencing. Refocusing his thoughts towards her he heard the baby quieten. Eventually the sound disappeared completely, and he closed his eyes thinking that this was the most vivid dream he had ever experienced.

.

* * *

.

Colour, sound, beauty, were all lures that brought every natural explorer to seek out and understand the world around them. Whatever was considered different, unusual or uncommon was a source of discovery and investigation.

Today their source of discovery was the alluring Partekba wave.

It had been just a whisper overheard in a bar, at a nearby space station that had alerted Tom Paris to the phenomenon. Two bar flies had been discussing their friend's recent journey to the phenomenon.

"Ah Partkeba, she revealed that my cousin would give birth to a son, and that if my sister applied herself she would receive high honours at Cardekta Science Academy."

"And? Did your cousin have a son Braata?" he asked.

"Well she did after I told her what Lyndek said, oh and after he proposed," Braata laughed.

"Yeah well, that was bound to happen, hardly a prediction of the future."

"You know why it's called the Partkeba wave? It's from an old myth from my homeworld. There was a young child called Partkeba who kept wandering off from his parents. Every time his parents would look for him they found him sitting beside the lake just staring into it." Braata leaned in closer. "You know what he was doing?"

"No, but I have a feeling you're going to keep me at this dump till you tell me," Ragnek leaned towards the bartender, "another drink would you Miss?"

"He was talking to himself," Braata answered.

Ragnek replied by taking a gulp of the drink he was just handed, and Braata continued. "Except he wasn't talking to himself, but another version of himself."

"Rubbish!" Ragnek spat.

"No, it's true. Well in the myth it was. His parents saw in the lake a reflection of their son repeating their sons words back like an echo. Only it wasn't a reflection, it was out of sync. That's why they named the wave after Partkeba. They say the wave allows you to see another version of yourself, a glimpse into another possibility."

Ragnek pushed his glass towards Braata. "Braata, save your chips. You don't need to visit the Partkeba wave like that moron Khurta. You want to meet yourself? I'll reveal a truth to you - in any reality you're an idiot."

Tom didn't get to hear the rest of the story. After Ragnek's brutal reveal, Braata decided to smash a glass into his face, and they were both promptly removed by the station's security staff. He did however pick up a padd Braata had left behind. The padd contained footage of the Partkeba wave, and if Tom Paris could be in love with a spacial phenomenon, than he was in love with Partkeba.

He transmitted the footage to Voyager before handing the padd into security, and for the past two days they had been riding along the long winding wave of the phenomenon.

.

* * *

.

"Chakotay I've never seen anything like it before. The wave looks like it's been lifted from the ocean and held in space. Did you see how it appeared to crash, and then pull back into itself? Absolutely incredible."

Not hearing a response, Kathryn turned towards Chakotay. He was rubbing his hand against his head and his focus seemed to be somewhere else entirely.

"Am I keeping you awake Commander?" Janeway asked, leaning over the console between them.

Chakotay's efforts to stifle his yawn had been to no avail. He looked around to check if anyone else had noticed, but was pleased to see no one but his captain had noticed his slip up.

"Sorry Captain, I guess I didn't sleep very well last night."

"Oh? Nothing troubling you I hope."

"No, at least I don't think so. I just had the strangest dream. I kept hearing a baby cry."

"A baby?" Kathryn asked.

"She was crying, quite loudly at first. So I must have gotten up and looked around my quarters, but I couldn't see a child so I went back to bed. The strange thing is, that just as I closed my eyes I heard the baby cry again. I guess I was still dreaming, it was just so… real. I honestly felt like there was a baby in the room with me."

Kathryn leaned closer and examined Chakotay's expression. He seemed thoroughly confused by the whole experience, and she had no answers for him. She wondered on the significance of dreaming about a baby, but wasn't sure if the bridge was really the place to get into the issue. Then another thought occurred to her… "Chakotay, how did you know the baby was a girl?"

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"You called the child a she," Kathryn replied.

Chakotay had to think about it for a moment. He tried to remember the sound of the child, how instinctively he got out of bed to search her out. "I don't know. Something about the cry felt familiar somehow. Like I knew her, and I wanted to calm her. It's strange I know, but it felt so real."

.

* * *

.

Evening could not come quick enough.

While everyone around him was busy studying the Partkeba wave, Chakotay was suffering with a persistent headache. He had thought about going to the doctor for an analgesic, but he wasn't keen to leave his quarters. Although he was extremely tired, he wasn't ready to sleep yet. Leaning against the replicator he requested a herbal tea. Picking it up, he sniffed the tea but couldn't smell anything. Putting it back in the replicator he instead asked for a chai blend. It wasn't something he would usually order, but he found the warmth of the cinnamon and nutmeg comforting.

He took the tea and sat on his arm chair over looking the Partkeba wave. In spite of his headache he found the gentle glow of the wave comforting. It stretched the entire length of the sector. Kathryn was right. It did look like a wave from the ocean, but it contained a myriad of colours. And while it looked stilted, with only the appearance of some movement, the movement was an illusion created by it's frequent change in colour.

Oranges and browns.

Chakotay saw the reflection of the wave's colour on his window, and it made it appear like the wave was expanding - it was hypnotic. He put down his tea and walked closer to the window. Leaning against it, he saw the colours change again. Purple and blue, tiny flecks of purple and blue.

Purple, and blue… he ran over the colours in his mind.

Chakotay stepped back. Within the wave was something else, something familiar. He no longer found it comforting. He recycled his tea and headed to his bedroom. The pain in his head was demanding his attention again. He rubbed his temples and got into bed. Chakotay looked above him and saw the light from the Partkeba wave reflect on the ceiling.

Purple, and blue, and he fell asleep watching it change.

With each flash of colour he could hear his own voice saying words he had no memory of saying. A joke, an observance, a request, a comment about Kathryn's hair. He tried to hear them all clearly, but his movements felt heavy, his mind sunk under layers of sleep. It was cool here, and dark, and the tangle of pain that had attached itself to his temples was being stilled, and slowly unwinding.

At least until he heard her cry again.

His eyes flew open. There was no meandering through layers of sleep this time. Now the baby's cries were even more prominent, and he felt his breath quicken as he looked around his room in search of her. This time he didn't have to look far. Next to the wall he shared with Kathryn was a bassinet. He wasn't sure how his legs managed to walk him towards it, but stumbling a little, he had a look inside. The baby looked up at him for a moment, and began to settle down. She had the smallest amount of dark brown hair, with the most startling blue eyes, and Chakotay couldn't help but reach out to her. Sensing him reach for her, the baby smiled, before she and her bassinet promptly disappeared. Chakotay looked from one side of the room to the other. He raced to pick up his tricorder to scan the area, but found nothing.

She was here, and then she was gone. What kind of bizarre dream is this?

"Chakotay to bridge."

"Ensign Kim here sir, what can I do for you?"

"Ensign, I need you to scan my quarters for any life form that isn't me."

"Ah, yes sir. Do you need a security detail?"

"No ensign, I think I can handle a baby."

"A baby?"

Chakotay sighed and rubbed the side of his head. "It's not urgent Harry. I saw something earlier and I just need you to check if there's anything to it. If you don't find anything then don't worry about it."

"Yes sir, will do - goodnight."

"Goodnight Harry."

Chakotay went to the replicator again, this time for camomile tea. He changed the tint on his windows so he could no longer see the reflection of the Partkeba wave, and headed to bed.

Chakotay closed his eyes. There were no purples or blues, or oranges this time. He sunk quickly in his sleep, and found himself in a place so familiar. He heard the sounds of insects and birds, and felt the gentle breeze of an afternoon coming to a close. When he looked down he saw a woman in a red dress, smiling beside a garden. He knew her, but he couldn't clearly identify her. He asked her what she was looking at, and she looked at him and then dipped her head away, laughing at some private joke he didn't understand. She ran her fingers along the vines she had been tending, and then reached an arm towards him, which he happily took.

"You my love, I'm looking at you."


	2. Chapter 2

"Chakotay, what do you think about the stew? Neelix helped me with it. I did discourage him from adding certain ingredients, so I think you're safe."

Chakotay put his spoon beside the dish. "It's delicious Kathryn, possibly your best interpretation to date."

"Well thank you. It's not the same as my mother's, but then nothing could be," she replied, coming back to the table with a jug of water.

She watched him out of the corner of her eye as she rearranged some of the dishes on their table. He'd seemed a bit more rested today, but the report she got from Harry last night had worried her, and she knew she'd have to bring it up, if only for her own peace of mind.

"You know this wave of ours has everyone stumped."

"Stumped?" Chakotay asked.

Kathryn waved her hand in amusement, "confused. B'Elanna can't workout why it keeps changing colour."

"Is it really important?"

Kathryn sat back in her chair a little. She observed Chakotay's posture, or lack of it, and leant forward again. "We're explorers Chakotay, an insatiable curiosity about the world around us is part of the job."

"I guess so, I just…" Chakotay stared behind Kathryn. It was the wave again, the colours were changing. Chakotay moved out of his chair and walked the few steps to Kathryn's windows.

Orange, blue, purple… then he saw something else. Between the colours there were shapes, they were so familiar, and then all of a sudden they were foreign again.

"Chakotay,"

Without turning around he heard a voice that wasn't Kathryn's.

It was her.

She wasn't screaming this time. Instead, she softly cried. Chakotay closed his eyes, he couldn't hear her here. He wasn't in his room, and he was pretty sure he wasn't asleep.

"Chakotay? What's going on?"

He heard her, Kathryn this time. He could still hear the baby, but he also couldn't ignore his captain. He turned towards her waiting face, and to his side he could hear the baby more clearly.

"Kathryn, can you hear that?"

Kathryn followed the direction of Chakotay's gaze, "hear what Chakotay?"

He looked back at her, "the baby. I hear her. She's coming from the other room." Chakotay pointed in the direction of Kathryn's bedroom. "I know you must think I'm crazy but I'm awake and I can hear her. Can I please check?"

"Chakotay I…" Kathryn stopped and saw how obviously distraught he appeared, so she nodded her head, and allowed him to walk in front of her to the other room.

He stopped at the entrance with his eyes focused on an area at the end of her bed. He turned back to Kathryn. "There she is. Kathryn this is only the second time I've seen her, and she's as real as you are."

Chakotay leaned down and sat on Kathryn's bed. He looked at the child, then up at Kathryn who was mildly startled at his presence in her room. He had to stop the thoughts he was having, as he noticed the child shared the same piercing blue eyes as his captain.

"What is it Chakotay?" she asked.

"Last night when I saw her I reached out to her, but she disappeared. I'm afraid if I do it again I'll lose her."

Kathryn wasn't sure she had ever seen Chakotay like this before. He was looking at what he believed was a child, and there was such vulnerability in his expression that it pained her. "Chakotay," she said as she reached a hand out to his. "I don't understand this."

"You said something about us being explorers."

She nodded.

"Then help me explore this. Help me understand why this child is here—"

"I can't see her Chakotay."

"It's ok Kathryn, there was a time when I couldn't see her either."

Chakotay squeezed her hand. "I need you to trust me. Do you trust me?"

"Always," she managed.

He started to guide her hand towards the bed, and following the action, she knelt down so she was beside it. "She's following your hand now. Can you lean your head over just a little so she can see you?"

Kathryn could only estimate where Chakotay thought the child was, but she managed to move with him. "I'm not sure what to do," she said.

"If you touch her head, she may not disappear."

She wanted to ask Chakotay why he believed she would have any affect on the child staying, a child he could only see, and a delusion she started to question whether she should be indulging. But the softness in his gaze, the quiet desperation in his voice, and the gentle way he held her hand, made her want to believe in anything he chose to see.

"Guide me," she said quietly.

He was smiling at something now. He must have heard her, but he was looking down at this little her that had grabbed his attention. She watched her hand, guided by his, she moved her hand slowly above the blanket on her bed. She estimated it was hovering right above where he imagined the baby would be.

"There, can you feel her? She has the softest looking dark hair. There's only a little of it, but she's young still. If she's anything like you, she'll have a full head of hair soon enough."

Kathryn's eyes widened as she pulled back her hand from Chakotay's grasp.

The baby started screaming at the loss of touch, and Chakotay reached down and was relieved when he was finally able to pick up the baby, and hold her in his arms.

Kathryn watched him holding nothing - soothing nothing, "Janeway to Sickbay."

"Doctor here Captain. What can I do for you?"

"I need you to come to my quarters immediately. Chakotay… he's… you should just come here as soon as possible, he will need your help."

"Okay Captain. I am on my way."

The Doctor didn't waste time and simply beamed into the Captain's quarters. He looked around but only saw a meal abandoned on the table.

"In here Doctor," he heard Janeway call from the bedroom.

Not knowing what to think, he cautiously entered the other room.

"Captain?"

Kathryn placed a finger to her lips to silence him, before waving him into the room. He entered the room looking at Chakotay who appeared to be in a daze, and holding his arms in a peculiar fashion. He also seemed completely unaware of the Doctor's presence.

"Captain?" he repeated, this time in a whisper as to not disturb the Commander.

"He thinks he's holding a baby. Can you run a scan, and determine what exactly is happening with him?"

"A baby?" the Doctor replied, a little louder this time, causing Chakotay to briefly look up, before looking back down again.

"She thinks I'm seeing things Doctor, and maybe I am, but right now I don't mind." Chakotay smiled at the baby, and gently caressed her cheek.

Kathryn nodded her head towards Chakotay, encouraging the Doctor to conduct a scan.

"There are some signs of exhaustion and stress, but nothing particularly alarming."

"So you don't see her? Neither of you?" Chakotay asked.

Chakotay went through his story with the Doctor. How he kept being woken by her cries, how he almost touched her last night, and how he finally managed to hold her tonight. The Doctor kept quiet through his explanation. Which was unusual for him, but then this whole situation was outside the norm.

"Captain, I can't detect that anything but you and the Commander are in this room. I think the problem may be psychological. Commander, why don't you come down to sickbay and I—"

"I don't want to leave her Doctor," Chakotay interrupted.

"Leave her? The Captain can come with you if you—"

"No, the baby. She has disappeared twice on me before. I think she needs me. I don't know where she's come from, or why neither of you can detect her, but she's here and she needs me."

The Doctor looked over at Janeway, before looking back to Chakotay. "Commander why don't you bring the child with you. She'll be fine in Sickbay. I think we may be able to analyse the situation further if we go to Sickbay and I can run some tests."

"And what if she disappears again? What then Doctor?" Chakotay asked, turning to face the Doctor, making him edge back slightly.

"Chakotay, he's just trying to help," Kathryn interjected. She carefully sat across from Chakotay, cautious of how he was holding the child, trying not to get in his way.

"So am I Kathryn. There is a reason she keeps appearing around me. I thought it was a dream, but it can't have been. She looks exactly how I imagined." Chakotay looked directly at Kathryn. He was tired, and could see Kathryn's concern for him, so he retreated by looking down at the baby instead.

"Would you let me hold her Chakotay?" His head snapped back up at her. "I could hold her, and you could go to Sickbay with the Doctor. If she really does need your help, then let me help her, so we can help you."

"You don't believe she's here Kathryn."

Kathryn put her hand on his knee. "You haven't given me time to believe."

Chakotay watched her hand for a moment. He could feel her hand through the fabric of his uniform, it's warmth and weight. He heard the timbre of her voice as she talked to him. Everything about her was real, in the same way that everything about the baby he was holding was real. He looked back at the child now contently asleep. He felt the weight of her, the warmth of her. Part of him felt like he had held her before. Maybe he did dream about her, maybe he was still asleep.

"She's asleep. If I pass her to you, you need to keep still so you don't wake her."

"And you will go with the Doctor?" she asked.

Chakotay nodded.

"Ok then. Guide me Chakotay," she replied.

Chakotay carefully stood. He suggested Kathryn sit comfortably in bed, so she took her shoes off and sat with her back against the headboard. Very carefully Chakotay leaned down, and Kathryn positioned her arms like a cradle, mimicking Chakotay's pose. As he bent down, he looked up into her eyes for a brief moment. It was the smallest of silent gestures, but it was one they had shared before. It was an agreement of trust between two people who didn't always need words to convey a promise.

Kathryn noted how Chakotay hovered over her and gently lowered his arms towards her. As he stopped and moved back, she now assumed the baby must be in her arms. There was no additional weight on her arms, no extra warmth. She tried to smile at Chakotay, but his eyes were too busy on the child he believed she was holding. His hand lingered on some invisible place above her arm, and she guessed that he must be caressing the child's cheek.

"She's waking Kathryn. Do you sense her?" He asked.

The Doctor stood on the other side of them trying to get a better idea of what was going on. This time he chose to take the unusual path of remaining silent in the presence of his patient.

Kathryn tightened the skin around her lips. She looked down where she believed the baby's head must be and smiled at the child.

"Oh Kathryn, did you see that? She smiled right back at you."

Kathryn felt the weight of her position. Whatever smile or grimace she made, she knew it would all mean something to Chakotay, and she wasn't sure whether she could give him what he needed.

"I'm sorry Chakotay. I can't see her. I wish I could, but there's nothing there."

Chakotay just stared down at her arms blankly. He was motionless, quiet and completely lost.

"Chakotay? What is it?"

"She's gone Kathryn. She just disappeared."

.

* * *

.

The Doctor had been insistent that Chakotay should go to Sickbay and under go some tests. Chakotay was having none of it. He was too stricken at the disappearance of the baby, to hear anything the Doctor had to say. Before the confrontation escalated any further, Kathryn had made them compromise.

She suggested that right now Chakotay needed his privacy and a good night's rest. She asked the Doctor to give him a hypospray with a mild sedative and then in the morning Chakotay would go to Sickbay and they would look at this issue from every angle. Both parties had reluctantly agreed, and the Doctor provided Chakotay with a sedative before leaving him with the Captain.

"Chakotay, do you remember when we were on the planet - what did I call it? Oh yes.." she began feigning her forgetfulness, "New Earth. Remember how kind you were to me when I was fretful about being stuck there? You knew I had to come to an acceptance of the situation at my own pace."

He smiled at her recollection and nodded in reply.

"You allowed me to keep searching for a solution, while in turn you kept life going for the both of us."

They stopped walking to the exit of her quarters as they looked at each other remembering the events of a few months ago.

"Well now it's my turn Chakotay. If you have to search out in your own way why you are seeing this child then I will support you. While you figure it out for yourself, myself, and the Doctor will look for our own answers. I don't want to dismiss what you're experiencing, but at the same time I need to find answers to this from a scientific perspective."

Chakotay smiled at her, and the warmth in his eyes was overwhelming. If the situation wasn't so emotionally fragile, and things were different, she could have hugged him, but instead she squeezed his shoulder.

"I wouldn't expect any less from you Kathryn. I'll cooperate, I want answers too."

Kathryn nodded her thanks and he left her quarters.

Administering the hypospray he went to sleep without hearing the baby cry. Instead he once again dreamed of the woman in red. She was looking at her vines again, this time she was on Voyager in the hydroponics bay, and this time he knew her.

It was Kathryn.

Kathryn Janeway, resolute and happy, and holding a baby. The same baby that a few hours ago she claimed she couldn't see.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hello Commander. You look rested, ready to begin then?"

Chakotay nodded and made his way to the biobed. He looked at the bed and took a deep breath before laying down. He had to keep reminding himself of the reasons he was doing this; he wanted to be well, he wanted to know why it was happening, he wanted peace of mind, and he wanted to keep Kathryn happy. Part of him also wanted the Doctor off his back, but for now he would have to put up with the uncomfortable procedures and invasive questions.

"So Doctor what do you intend on—?"

The surgical scanner snapped into place in front of him before he could finish his question.

"Just stay still and keep quiet Commander. If there are any questions to be asked, I will be the one asking them."

Chakotay could see why Kathryn had taken to avoiding visits to sickbay if this is how she was treated. Not that the Doctor had always been completely cordial to him, but he'd never been under as much scrutiny as Kathryn had.

"You're not being still Commander."

"I'm trying to find a comfortable position," Chakotay said as he squared his shoulders into the bed.

"The biobed is not built for comfort, it's a flat surface to keep patients still while they're undergoing procedures. Something you are failing to do."

Chakotay took another breath and closed his eyes. He commanded himself to think of something pleasant, or somewhere pleasant. His mind immediately went to Kathryn.

.

* * *

.

"You know Captain they say you can see the future inside the Partkeba wave. Do you think there is any truth to it? Maybe it's a rift in time?"

"Mr Paris," Tuvok spoke up. "As we are not detecting any traces of chroniton particles, I highly doubt the wave's ability to see or visit any particular future."

Tom turned around in his chair. He went to open his mouth and then looking over at the Captain's expression, he thought better of it.

"While we certainly can't detect any Chroniton particles Tuvok, we may not be close enough to know for sure whether any exist," the Captain added.

"Oh well Captain," Tom added, leaning back on his chair with his arms crossed. "I wouldn't object to moving in for a closer look. I mean just a little closer couldn't hurt?"

Kathryn tried to suppress her grin at the eager Lieutenant. She was just as curious as he seemed to be, but getting closer to the wave wasn't something the captain in her completely trusted.

"Mr Paris, if Partkeba could give you a glimpse into the future, what kind of future would you want to see?" Kathryn asked, leaning her chin in her hand.

"Ah well," Paris began scratching his head. "Well I guess I would like to see—"

Without warning the ship lunged forward, along with most of the bridge crew.

"Mr Paris, report!" said Janeway pushing her hair back into place as she sat back down.

"We seem to be 20,000 kilometres closer to the wave Captain," he replied. "You don't think the wave reads minds?" he added.

Janeway raised her hand to silence that idea. "No, Mr Paris I do not. Janeway to Torres," Janeway said, slapping her combadge.

"Torres here Captain."

"Lieutenant, do you know of any reason why we have just been pulled 20,000 kilometres closer to Partkeba?"

"I'm not 100% certain Captain but we did detect two spacial flares emanating from the wave shortly before Voyager was pulled in."

"It sounds like the Partkeba wave has grown some arms and is reaching out to embrace Voyager," Tom added, despite no one asking him to. "What?" he asked, as Harry looked at him in amazement.

"Thank you B'Elanna. Despite Mr Paris' theorising I'd like for you to come up with something on your own."

"Yes Captain."

"Sickbay to Captain Janeway."

"Janeway here Doctor, what can I do for you?"

"I need you down in Sickbay urgently," the Doctor replied.

"Doctor? What is that noise in the background?"

"Captain please, I need you here now!"

Janeway looked to Tuvok before handing over command and racing to the turbolift.

.

* * *

.

"Doctor, what is—?" Janeway asked and then stopped as she entered a Sickbay that was clearly in disarray.

"Captain," the Doctor said as he carefully approached her. "The Commander is having a reoccurrence of his delusions."

"What set him off?" she asked looking over at Kes in the Doctor's office, who was trying to settle Chakotay.

"He was on the biobed and I was running some very simple scans. Then out of nowhere the ship lunged forward and he began to panic. I thought it best to release the surgical scanner and allow the Commander to move freely. When he got out of bed he leaned against it clutching his head with one hand. I approached him but he became irrational and ran into my office calling for you. I didn't know what to do. Every time I approached him he'd throw something at me. He has let Kes approach but he won't respond to her. I just thought it best that you dealt with him."

The Captain nodded and thanked the Doctor before approaching his office. Kes was lingering at the doorway, but when she saw the Captain she nodded at her and joined the Doctor in the main room.

"Chakotay?" Kathryn asked.

Chakotay was standing with his back to her beside the Doctor's desk, leaning against it as he stared in front of him. Kathryn studied him. He had taken off his jacket and was wearing the standard Starfleet grey shirt, but despite his undress, he appeared to be sweating.

"Chakotay," she repeated.

"Kathryn," he answered quietly, still facing away from her.

"I'm here Chakotay. I'm right behind you. Can you turn around? I'm worried about you."

"Why don't you look at me? Why don't you let me help you with the baby?" he asked, still facing away from her.

"Chakotay, I'm right here," she replied, stepping forward gently touching his arm.

She saw Chakotay flinch, but he still didn't turn around. He seemed to be reaching for something, and considering his last words, she could only conclude he was seeing the baby again. Taking a different approach Kathryn walked around to Chakotay's side so she was in his line of sight.

"Chakotay, please see me. I'm right here. Whatever you need, let me help you."

For a moment she saw him look in her direction, but when he looked at her it was like he was looking right through her.

"Chakotay," she repeated. This time she felt brave. She positioned herself directly in front of him and held her hand against his cheek. Her thumb smoothed against the warmth of his skin and she felt his expression soften. "Chakotay, I'm right here, please see me. Of all the things you are seeing, see me — please."

He moved quicker than she was prepared for and grabbed her free arm with his hand. He was breathing heavily for a moment, and he clutched her arm like he was holding on for life.

"Kathryn?" he asked, finally looking at her again. He was adjusting his eyes, like he needed to bring her into focus again.

"Yes, I'm here."

Chakotay loosened his grip on her, and tried to look past her, but seeing nothing he looked back at her. "You were there, you were sitting on a chair in the Doctor's office holding the baby. You're her mother! I knew it, I knew it the first time I saw her, and I know it for sure now. She's your child Kathryn, yours and—"

"Chakotay no, stop. I'm here, and before I was here I was on the bridge. Whatever you're seeing, whatever you think you're seeing, it's not real. I am real," she said moving both her hands to grip his arms. "I am real. I want to help you Chakotay, but you have to know what's real. I don't have a baby." Kathryn looked past Chakotay and noticed the Doctor and Kes had moved to the biobed to give them some privacy. "We don't have a baby Chakotay," she whispered. "There is no us, we just don't have that kind of relationship."

Kathryn felt Chakotay slump his weight. He was no longer responding to her, he just looked at the floor, tired and confused. Kathryn sighed, "Chakotay, come, sit down for a moment. I promised you we would figure this out, and I won't stop until we do."

Chakotay looked up at her. He seemed to have sobered from her statement and nodded in understanding as he took a seat and allowed her to leave. Kathryn walked over to the Doctor and Kes, but before she could address them, she turned around once more to watch him.

"What now Doctor?"

"Are you okay Captain?" he asked.

Kathryn looked up at him sharply, which was the only answer she was willing to give him at this time. Understanding the message he continued. "I think keeping him in sickbay may be making the situation worse."

"Agreed," she replied, not being able to help herself and she looked over to Chakotay once more.

"If he'll consent, I'd like him to wear a subdermal bioprobe. I can monitor any changes his body makes during these episodes without restricting his movements."

The Captain nodded in agreement.

"There is another condition. While I won't completely restrict his movements, I would like him to stay in his quarters, he will need to be monitored.." the captain nodded. "…I'd like him monitored by you."

"Me?" her eyes shot up sharply.

"You are the one he calls for, and it seems that you are part of his delusion. You need to be the one to ground him in reality."

"I don't know if I can—"

"If you can't Captain, then who will?"

Kathryn looked over at Chakotay. He was as still as he was when she left him, quiet and defeated.

"I know you're close," he continued. Kathryn raised her hand in protest, as the Doctor continued. "This is difficult for him, and it's difficult for you."

"Be careful with what you say Doctor," she intervened.

"You are the only person who is real to him, and apart from this baby he's seeing, you're the only other person who matters to him. It has to be you. You're also a competent scientist. You can help me monitor his condition. We will figure this out."

"I did promise him," she replied walking away from the Doctor, towards his office once more.

"Janeway to Tuvok."

"Tuvok here Captain."

"The Commander is ill," she swallowed, before continuing. "The Doctor believes that I am in the best position to monitor his condition. With that in mind, I will need you to take over command of the ship until… until further advised."

There was a moment of quiet on the com line before Tuvok replied, "Understood Captain."

"Thank you, Janeway out." Kathryn looked over at the Doctor. "Prepare the bioprobe. I'll speak to him."

Kathryn made the slow, purposeful walk to her friend. She lingered at the doorway, before walking in and kneeling beside him to share the Doctor's plan.

.

* * *

.

Kathryn was relieved how little convincing it took for Chakotay to agree to the idea. While the Doctor administered the subdermal bioprobe, Kathryn returned to her quarters to collect some of her things, and Kes brought Chakotay back to his quarters, who seemed enough of himself to thank her for her time.

Kathryn was keen to keep Chakotay's routine as normal as possible so they could properly monitor his condition. As she settled in, she found herself unsure of where to start.

"Coffee?" he asked.

She smiled. "Yes, thank you Chakotay."

He nodded and returned the smile. Turning, he walked towards the replicator and ordered them both a cup. "So," he asked, returning with their drinks. "Where do we start?"

Kathryn had set up her computer and was checking that she was receiving the signal from the bioprobe. "Well, I can see you on the computer, and so far everything looks perfectly normal."

Chakotay nodded his head to the side, shrugging off the information. "That's a problem though, isn't it?"

"A problem?"

"If your scans reveal nothing, than there's nothing to fix is there?"

"We've only just begun Chakotay, and you aren't having problems right now, so it's expected that nothing would be showing up on scans."

Chakotay drank his coffee while he watched his ever focused Captain run through the information on her screen.

"Chakotay it's very possible that this wave we are travelling beside is a catalyst for your experiences. According to this timeline I've created, your symptoms have only exacerbated with our proximity to the wave."

"And does it ruin your timeline if I say those incidents aren't the only times I've imagined a baby?"

Kathryn's gaze shot up from the computer, as her eyes asked him to continue. "Are you saying you experienced other hallucinations before we encountered Partkeba?"

Chakotay put down his coffee cup, and moved Kathryn's computer aside. "I don't think they were as much hallucinations, as they were thoughts. And the child looked the same in both my thoughts, and in what you're calling my hallucinations. Maybe whatever is causing me to see the baby has already seen me, seeing her— if that makes sense."

Kathryn watched him. She felt intrusive, constantly examining his expressions like this, but she had to. She had to know if he was slipping into a delusion. This wasn't a delusion, she decided. This was him trying to figure things out, where the thoughts became visions, and the visions became delusions.

"I guess when I didn't have a choice about having a child, that's when I really thought about it," he said.

"What do you— oh, Seska?" she realised.

He nodded, and looked down at his hands folded on the table. He looked up at her quickly, and then looked away again. "After she died and the Kazon took the baby, I would imagine what it would be like to have a child. I wasn't picturing Seska as her mother. No, this child was human, and she was definitely a she." he smiled to himself. "I don't why, I've just always had this firm idea that my first child would always be a girl."

Kathryn just nodded. She wasn't sure what to say.

"She'd have dark hair like my mother, a soft complexion which was a mix of mine and her mothers, and her eyes, her eyes would be…" Chakotay stopped. He was staring at her, he was going to give himself away. He knew he had already said it in her quarters, and then confirmed it in sickbay. Did she really need to know that he'd been daydreaming about a child with her for the last few months?

"Chakotay, I—" she began with her hand on his hand.

"Tuvok to Janeway"

Kathryn shook her head at Tuvok and his timing. She took her hand away and hit her combadge. "Janeway here, what is it Tuvok?"

"I apologise for interrupting Captain, but I have a communication from someone who urgently wants to speak with you."

"Did they ask for me specifically?" she asked.

"Yes Captain."

Kathryn looked at Chakotay who looked as confused as she did. "Just who is it that is requesting to speak to me?" she asked.

"A Captain Kathryn Janeway."

The line went quiet, and Tuvok enquired if she had heard him. She allowed her eyes to focus before responding, "I'll be right there Tuvok, Janeway out."


	4. Chapter 4

_Another Captain Janeway? Had her ship been split in two again? Was this woman a vision of her future? A parallel universe? Why did she have the sinking feeling of inevitability that she'd always be confronting another version of herself._

"Captain," Tuvok said turning towards her.

She heard Tuvok, but walked past him as she came face to face with herself. This Kathryn was the same age with only very minor differences. Her hair was held in a more relaxed ponytail and her uniform had a thin black stripe that cut across the red on her shoulders - other than those differences she looked exactly the same.

"Thank you Tuvok, and you? You are?" she asked the other woman on the screen.

"Captain Kathryn Janeway, but I think you know that already. If you talk to your Ensign Kim over there, he will confirm for you that I am contacting you via a breach in the Partkeba wave. It looks like the legend behind Partkeba might not be without merit. I believe I'm from a universe running parallel to your own."

Kathryn turned towards Harry and saw him nodding in agreement.

"And if you're another me from some parallel universe, why exactly have you decided to make contact?"

The other Janeway shifted in her seat. She appeared to be making the transmission from her quarters, and something was distracting her in the distance. When she looked back at Kathryn the signs of exhaustion in the her expression had become more evident. "I have a missing crew member," she replied. "I believe their disappearance is connected to the wave, and while investigating further we saw your ship on our sensors. I thought I should make contact and see if you also had any missing crew members, and perhaps we could work together to find them."

Kathryn walked closer to the view screen. There was something this other Janeway wasn't saying, something that clearly didn't add up. "Captain, we don't have any missing crew members, but we are willing to help you find your missing person if you still require our assistance. Who exactly is missing?"

Her counterpart took a breath and pushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "Kathryn," she began. "It's Chakotay. he just disappeared."

She stepped back from the view screen and turned around to look at Tuvok for a moment, before turning back to face her other self.

"Captain," Kathryn began. "Is it possible for you to beam across to our vessel, and we can discuss the issue in person?"

The other Janeway sat back in her chair. She was distracted again and seemed to be motioning with her hands to someone in the background.

"Captain?" Kathryn repeated.

"Apologies Kathryn. It is possible for me to transport over. There are just some loose ends, some responsibilities I have to deal with here first. Let me contact you again in the hour and I can make arrangements then. In the meantime I can send you a breakdown of what exactly transpired before my Chakotay disappeared."

_My Chakotay?_

"Understood. We will speak again, Janeway out."

"Mr Tuvok, when the Captain sends through her report can you transfer it directly to me? I need to speak to Commander Chakotay."

"Understood Captain," he replied.

.

* * *

.

"So Kathryn, how was it meeting the other Kathryn Janeway?"

Kathryn sighed and sat opposite Chakotay. As she sat down she heard a beep coming from her computer. She ignored the question and opened the file she had been sent from her counterpart.

"You're missing apparently," she mentioned as she scrolled down the report.

"Missing?" he asked.

"Yes. This other Janeway appears to be me from another universe who has been able to make contact with us because of a breach in the Partkeba wave. She's looking for you. Well her version of you, and according to this…" Kathryn turned the computer so Chakotay could see. "He was acting strangely before he disappeared. She doesn't go into much detail, which surprises me, but his experiences seem to correlate with your experiences with the wave. Perhaps she can help us figure out what is happening with you as well."

Chakotay finished reading the report and leant back in his chair. "Maybe it's my turn next," he replied.

"It's not going to come to that Chakotay."

"If you look at her report it appears that they've been traveling in this sector only a week longer than we have, what if in a week's time I disappear?"

Kathryn looked through the report. The very brief report, she thought to herself. She tapped the side of the computer and looked up at Chakotay. "Then I have one week to ensure you stay."

.

* * *

.

After conducting a few transporter safety checks and increasing the range of her com badge, the Alternate Janeway - the name Kathryn had started to call her in her head- gave the word that she would be transporting over shortly.

Kathryn had left Chakotay in the more than capable hands of Kes and made her way to the transporter room to meet her alternate. As the other Captain materialised, she looked around the room carefully before setting her eyes on Kathryn. She started to walk towards the edge of the transporter suite before stopping.

"Captain?" Kathryn asked.

"As our uniforms are different I thought perhaps the interiors of Voyager would be too. But I guess in any universe Starfleet grey is a constant."

Kathryn nodded and walked forward offering her hand. "Welcome to Voyager Captain."

"Thank you," she said taking Kathryn's hand. "I only wish it was under better circumstances."

Kathryn offered her condolences, and now had the awkward task of getting her to confirm her identity.

"Let me guess, the next stop is Sickbay," she offered.

"You understand why," Kathryn said.

"Of course, protocol." she agreed.

"Ensign, can you please beam us directly to Sickbay?" Kathryn asked.

"Of course Captain."

In a shimmer of light both Captains arrived in Sickbay, grabbing the attention of the EMH.

"Captain, and Captain," he said greeting them both.

"Doctor, " Kathryn said. "Can you please verify whether Ms Janeway here is who she says she is."

"Alright, ah Captain," he said looking towards the visiting Captain Janeway. "If you don't mind I am going to run a scan on you, and may need to ask you some simple questions about your health."

"Go ahead Doctor," she replied.

"Hmm," he muttered, before walking over to his station to conduct a visual comparison between the two captains. "Oh that's interesting."

"What's interesting Doctor?" Kathryn asked.

The Doctor looked up at the Captain and then looked at her alternate before rechecking his results.

"Maybe I should have talked to you before—" the other captain began, before being interrupted by the Doctor.

"Captain you are both Kathryn Janeway, and there is a slightly different brainwave pattern which would indicate that this Captain Janeway is from an alternate universe, but there is something else that is interesting."

"Kathryn can I—" the other Captain tried again, this time Kathryn interrupted her with a hand in the air.

"Continue Doctor," Kathryn said.

"The other difference is the levels of hormones between you both. The only thing that would account for that would be—" the Doctor stopped, as he looked over to the alternate Captain who was offering him her sternest glare.

"I can finish that for you Doctor, the only thing that would account for the differing hormone levels is that a few months ago I gave birth. Is that what you were going to say?"

"Ah, yes. I guess I would have said that. Well accounting for the fact that it was you that gave birth and not me. I mean I may be a man of many talents, but successful procreation for male holograms is just beyond my…" the Doctor waffled.

Kathryn was startled. She knew she had been staring at the Doctor for a while, but now she found her eyes lingering somewhere on the carpet. Her mind appeared to be running at warp speed trying to piece together how the circumstances of her life and the other Captain's differed, not to mention who the father was. When she finally turned to the other Captain, she saw a sympathetic look in her eyes, and a non-verbal apology.

"Doctor," Kathryn finally uttered as she turned to the EMH. "Are there any further tests you need to conduct?"

"No," he replied. "Should I continue monitoring Commander Chakotay's condition?"

"Yes, please do," she answered. Turning towards her alternate, she made the suggestion that they discuss things further in her quarters.

.

* * *

.

The crew of Voyager had become accustomed to the oddities that the Delta Quadrant had afforded them. That being said, the appearance of two Captain Janeways walking the halls of Voyager was a new source of fascination. Despite their ingrained professionalism, an ensign or two had found their eyes wandering as both Janeways walked the halls to Kathryn's quarters. Kathryn had considered that maybe it would have been easier if they had just beamed directly to her quarters from Sickbay, but as the other Janeway's identity had been confirmed, and her presence had already been announced, it seemed pointless to keep the other woman hidden.

Entering Kathryn's quarters, the alternate Captain made a noticeable sigh. "If the current situation wasn't so serious I'd be tempted to give those couple of ensigns a little scare."

"My apologies for that, but I guess it can't be helped considering how unusual our current circumstances are." Kathryn replied.

"Yes, I think we'd certainly run into the same issue on my ship too," the other woman replied, curiously looking around Kathryn's quarters.

Despite this woman being another version of herself, Kathryn still viewed her as a stranger, and it felt very peculiar having a stranger examine her quarters. "Captain, may I ask what exactly you are looking for?"

"Where's mom's blanket? The blue one with the matching set of couch cushions?" the Captain asked walking around Kathryn's quarters.

"I keep them in the storage box in my bedroom. They don't exactly match Starfleet decor," Kathryn replied.

"That's the point though Kathryn. She wanted us to have a touch of home out here in…" the Captain walked back to Kathryn's side, noting her stiff pose and narrowed gaze. "I apologise, I'm being intrusive. It must be very strange having me here."

"It is," Kathryn added. "But it can't be helped. Would you like some coffee?"  
The other woman was holding back a smile. She looked like she was daydreaming for a moment, before looking back to Kathryn and declining the offer. "Normally I'd love to, but…"

"You're still breastfeeding?"

"Yes," she replied. "It's not that I can't necessarily have it, it's just that I'm limited in how much I can have, and you know how we are? Who can just have one cup?"

"Well I know how I am," Kathryn interrupted. "Doesn't necessarily mean I know how you are. We may be similar, but there do appear to be differences. Tea then?"

The Captain nodded, pressing her lips together, her curiosity was getting the better of her. "Kathryn, you haven't asked. About the baby I mean. Don't you want to know about her?"

"Her?" Kathryn asked, wide-eyed and a little light-headed.

"Captain?" she asked, putting a hand on Kathryn's arm.

The hand on her arm caused the room to stop spinning. Kathryn looked up at her, and placed her hand on her counterpart's. "It's Chakotay," she said. "He's begun seeing things. He see's a baby, a little girl. It's just a weird coincidence. So she's—"

"Betha," she answered. "Her name is Betha Sekaya Janeway - it's Irish. I wanted to give her names to remind her of her heritage. If we're going to be out here for god-knows how long, then she has to have something to connect to. So she's Betha, with Sekaya named after Chakotay's sister."

"Chakotay? Chakotay's sister?" Kathryn repeated.

"Yes of course, he's her father. Who did you think it would be?"

"I ah… I see," Kathryn replied.

"You know I thought he might be hallucinating. It's what happened with my Chakotay too, at least we thought they were hallucinations."

"What do you mean?" Kathryn asked.

"Let me ask you a question Kathryn. Have you been sewing a small blanket recently? Like the one we made for Naomi? It's at least three shades of green, with a dark grey border?"

"Yes, I have" she answered. "Have you?"

"No, with the baby, and my shifts I haven't had the time."

"Then how do you know about the blanket?" Kathryn asked.

"I didn't, but Chakotay did, my Chakotay that is. He saw you, sewing a blanket and looking upset about something. He thought it was me, but if he saw you, then maybe your Chakotay saw Betha."

Kathryn ran the idea through her head. She remembered the tale Tom Paris had shared with them about the Partkeba wave. The legend behind the name; the small boy beside the lake, looking into it and seeing another version of himself, a mirror to another world. She wanted to ask the other Captain what her Chakotay had told her about herself and the blanket, what he had seen, how he knew she was upset.

"Kes to Captain Janeway"

"Janeway here," Kathryn replied.

"Captain I'm afraid the Commander is hallucinating again, can you please come here as soon as possible? He's not responding to me."

"We're on our way. Janeway out."

Kathryn shared a quick worried look at the other Captain before they both quickly made their way to the exit, and the short trip to Chakotay's quarters.

"I can't find her! Where is she?" Chakotay yelled, racing from one part of his quarters to the next.

Both Kathryn's stood motionless at the entry of his quarters watching Chakotay looking for something they couldn't see. When Kes turned around to look at them they suddenly realised they were keeping the door open, and moved closer inside the cabin.

Kathryn rushed towards Chakotay, while her counterpart moved next to Kes.

"Chakotay I'm here. Can you see me?"

Chakotay looked down to the floor. He appeared to be trying to hear something, but frustrated for the lack of clarity.

"Chakotay, I'm here. Please see me," she repeated, taking hold of his arms.

"Kathryn?"

"Yes, it's me," she replied.

"I can't see her, but I can hear her. She's crying, why is she upset?" he asked.

"Who?" she asked, knowing exactly who he was imagining, but needing him to confirm it all the same.

"The baby Kathryn, she's upset. I can't help her if I can't see her. Help me please."

"She's not real Chakotay. I'm real, you need to focus on what you know is true."

Kathryn's alternate was using every inch of her strength not to be affected by what she was seeing. Her own partner's disappearance was still at the forefront of her mind, and seeing the man in front of her distressed, a man who appeared just like him was pulling at her to do something, anything.

"Janeway to Kes," she said slapping her com badge, and causing the Kes next to her to look mildly confused for a moment.

"Kes here Captain, I have my hands full at the moment Captain, is there anything you need?"

Everyone in the room stopped and turned towards the other Captain Janeway who was now talking to her Kes over the com. Her Kes, who seemed to be cooing to a small child, who was being anything but quiet.

"She's unsettled Captain. I've fed her, cleaned her, walked her through your quarters. I even considered getting Tom to take her on a shuttle ride, she seems very upset."

Chakotay hearing the child through the com line walked directly over to the other Janeway. "Is she real?" he asked her.

She stared at him with such a pained expression, an expression that wasn't missed by Kathryn. Every instinct was telling her to embrace the man in front of her. To cry on his shoulder and tell him how every day without him next to her had been a burden. How desperate she had been just to hear his voice, how much his daughter had felt his absence and cried out for him. But then she saw the movement of Kathryn lingering in the background, waiting for her answer as much as he was.

"She is Chakotay, and she misses her—"

"Captain, is that the Commander with you?" Her Kes asked through the com line.

"It's the other Commander Chakotay Kes," she said both for herself and for the young Ocampan. "Kes, I have a playlist she likes. Play Janeway Swan Lake piano. It's a more timid version of the original that Ensign Wildman recorded. It seems to calm her, it's even better if you hum along to it while it's playing."

Chakotay smiled at her while she talked to Kes, and it almost undid her reserve not to touch him.

"Will do Captain. Kes out."

"Chakotay, Betha will be alright. Kes is looking after her."

He didn't seem to need clarification that Betha was the name of the child he had just heard, or quite possibly the child he kept seeing. He nodded his head, and felt calm knowing that the baby was being taken care of.

"Betha, can I see her?" he asked her.

"Captain I think we should continue our conversation," Kathryn interrupted, moving beside Chakotay. He didn't look at her, he was too focused on waiting for a response from the other captain. "Captain, my quarters."

"Another time perhaps Chakotay," the other woman said, placing a hand on his chest before turning to leave with a sour looking Kathryn.

.

* * *

.

"This is just what happened with my Chakotay before he disappeared. The uncontrolled visions, it's all happening again. We have to do something soon. My Doctor and B'Elanna are already working on something. We can bring him to my ship, and—"

"Stop!" Kathryn said, turning on her heels as they re-entered her quarters. "What gives you the right to interfere? What you did back there was out of line."

"What I did back there? What I did back there was to ground him back to reality, and give him the comfort of knowing that the baby he was hearing is real."

"You don't know that. You don't know that he was seeing your child. You're making big assumptions, and you're interfering when I'm trying to help him. You don't have the right!"

It was a revelation to see yourself in anger. The other Captain stood back, momentarily shook by the fiery reception from herself. She started to wonder if she was so intimidating to others as she felt intimidated by herself right now.

"You're right of course. This is your ship, your Chakotay."

"My First Officer," Kathryn corrected.

She held back correcting Kathryn that they were one and the same thing, because clearly for this Kathryn, on this ship, the distinction was important to her.

"He stays here," Kathryn continued. "If you want to bring people over here to assist, or even—" she stopped, placed her arms around her chest, and continued, "or even the baby—"

"Betha," she affirmed.

"Betha," Kathryn reluctantly echoed back. "Then you can. I can set up guest quarters for you, but I will not have him leave this ship. Have I made myself clear?"

"Crystal," she replied, turning to leave.

"Just one thing Captain, how are you going to explain my child to your crew?"


	5. Chapter 5

"Captain I can't get over how similar everything is here. You would expect some basic variances in the carpet or the interface design, but it appears exactly the same."

"And what were you expecting Doctor? Pinstripe wallpaper? Purple carpet?" the Captain asked.

"Oh nothing so distasteful Captain. I always thought Voyager's interiors would look better with light blue walls, it's very calming. Oh I wonder what my counterpart looks like?"

B'Elanna scoffed at him, "You never know Doctor, maybe your counterpart has hair."

"And maybe your counterpart—"

"Enough," the Captain interrupted. "Betha is better behaved than both of you put together."

The Captain adjusted the baby in her arms so she could have easy access to glare at the both of them. Her daughter looked up at her mother and made a small sound that could have been a giggle or a gurgle, it was hard to tell at her age.

"Excuse me, Captain Janeway."

"Tuvok, are you going to be our escort?" she replied.

"Lieutenant Ayala will escort Lieutenant Torres and the Doctor to Sickbay, where they will begin working with our ship's Doctor, and I have been asked to escort you to your quarters. Lieutenant Torres, your bag?"

B'Elanna passed Tuvok her bag, and looked to her Captain for guidance. Nodding, the Captain gave her and the Doctor permission to leave.

"Not a lot of people working on deck five today Tuvok?"

Tuvok looked over at the Captain and briefly at her child. "They are busy elsewhere Captain."

"So I guess Kathryn is trying to avoid curious gazes," she said, adjusting Betha in her arms.

"Perhaps," he replied with a curious gaze of his own.

"Her name is Betha, Tuvok. Remember Ensign Betha Kelly from the Wyoming?"

Tuvok stopped in his tracks and raised a very Vulcan eyebrow at the Captain. "If I recall correctly she cut off the power to three decks during a training exercise."

The Captain smiled, and tickled the chin of her young daughter. "Oh she did, she was also one hell of a pool player. She taught me every move in the book, memorable enough to name a daughter after."

"I see."

"What is it Tuvok?" she asked as they continued to walk to her quarters.

"It is curious to see you as a mother."

"And do you think Kathryn is curious about my status as a mother? Or perhaps she views it as a threat to her authority? Seeing another Captain of a starship bound by a responsibility to get her ship home, and here I am raising a young child. Maybe she's concerned that the crew thinks she will be as flippant with her responsibilities as she probably believes I am."

"I cannot guess as to what the Captain is feeling," Tuvok replied.

"No, you can't" she added, keying in a security code she already knew, to the quarters she had just been assigned. "But you do know her. You know the expectations she places on herself, and others — the guilt."

"Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom." Tuvok replied.

"Tuvok, in any universe you are a gift to any Kathryn Janeway." The captain took her daughter's hand and waved it in Tuvok's direction.

"Thank you Captain and you Ms Janeway. The Captain and Commander will be along shortly to brief you."

The Captain nodded her goodbye and looked around her quarters. In the corner near her bed was a small cradle. "Well Betha it looks like we won't have to share a bed after all."

As the Captain neared the cradle, she looked inside and saw a small green blanket with a dark grey border. She picked it up and Betha stretched to catch it. Thumbing the stitching she smiled, "Thank you Kathryn."

.

* * *

.

Betha settled quite easily into her new living arrangements. Laying on the blanket her mother had placed on the bed, she played a game of clutching her mother's ponytail and chewing on it.

"It's not food my love. I'll feed you soon enough."

The door chimed and the Captain picked up Betha to greet their guest, "Come," she called.

Chakotay and Kathryn both entered, with Kathryn standing back while Chakotay took in his surroundings. During the time the other Captain had left and returned he had experienced two delusional episodes. They had gained no new insights from their observations of his behaviour, and Kathryn wondered how long his mind could stand the strain.

"Captain," Chakotay uttered, seemingly unable to say much more.

The Captain taking the cue, walked closer with Betha, keen to keep her guard up. The absence of her first officer, friend and partner had hit her deeply. Her strong facade was mostly for a daughter who she knew needed her more than anything. Since her father's absence she had been more restless than she'd ever been. She only hoped that this Chakotay could have a calming effect on her.

"Commander, this is Betha. Betha, this is Commander Chakotay, he may resemble someone you know."

Kathryn still stood to the side. She felt like an outsider on her own ship. This other her had walked onto her ship with such authority that she had begun to question her place. In front of her she saw a family. She saw herself, or someone like her. She had to maintain some distance, some measure of professionalism that would separate her from this other woman.

"Kathryn, do you want to meet her?" the Captain said as she looked over in Kathryn's direction.

Chakotay turned towards her, and Kathryn was almost blinded by the happiness she saw radiating from him. She couldn't help but think of how ill he had been recently, and how quickly this child, and perhaps this woman had changed everything for him.

Kathryn walked forward. Schooling her features, she looked at the child, who looked right at her, than back to the Captain. Before Kathryn could utter a hello, the baby began screeching.

"Captain, maybe it's best that I'm not around her. It must be confusing for her to see two versions of her mother," Kathryn said.

The Captain thought about saying something, but then remembered who was standing in front of her. Kathryn had not had the luxury of time to adjust to her or the baby, and she was clearly not comfortable with seeing the what ifs of her life play out so visibly before her.

"Sickbay to Captain Janeway."

"Janeway here Doctor," Kathryn answered.

"May I request your presence—"

"And our Captain's presence," the alternate Doctor interrupted.

"And Commander Chakotay's presence in Sickbay," the Doctor continued.

"We have an exciting development we wish to discuss," the alternate Doctor interrupted again.

The alternative Lieutenant Torres rolled her eyes and stepped up next to the Doctors. "Captain, if you're with Captain Janeway. It looks like we've found Chakotay's location."

Captain Janeway's eyes widened with a sudden delight and she kissed her daughter's cheek before embracing her.

"We're on our way Doctor."

.

* * *

.

The Doctors had been so enamoured in their own conversation that they missed the arrival of their captains, Commander Chakotay, and the baby. After a few moments of self-congratulatory discussions, and Kathryn impatiently clearing her throat, they eventually acknowledged the new arrivals.

"Captain! I see my god-daughter is adapting to inter-universe travel well," the alternate Doctor replied, picking her up out of the Captain's arms, and passing her to a bewildered Kes.

"You know Doctor I never actually made a decision about that."

"Oh of course you will! I am perfect godfather material. You and the Commander work in a perilous working environment, and if one of you were to die, well I'm practically immortal" he replied, dismissing her as he walked over to this ship's EMH.

"Doctor," Kathryn interrupted, while her alternate focussed on glaring a new hole into her Doctor's head. "You said you found the other Commander Chakotay."

"Oh yes," he replied. "It was quite ingenious actually."

"We don't know why we didn't think of it before," the alternate Doctor added.

"I'd call it profound actually."

"Doctors," both equally impatient Janeways said simultaneously.

"Right," the Doctor said walking over to the diagnostic station. "Captain, I mean Captains, if you look at the display you will see the brainwave of the Commander Chakotay of this vessel. Now if you look below it," the Doctor said tapping another button on the panel. "Below it is something more interesting."

"Another brainwave," Chakotay interrupted. "Two brain waves? This can't be like the incident we had with the Komar a few years ago? It doesn't feel the same."

"No, I can assure you Commander this is different and Lieutenant Torres has not detected any evidence of alien interference. Unlike the incident with the Komar, the other brainwave isn't superimposed onto your brain, instead it is working in tangent with your brain wave. We've noticed that every time you experience a delusional episode, the other brainwave becomes more dominant."

"And what about the other brainwave?" the Captain asked, stepping forward, reaching a hand out to the diagnostic panel.

"It's Chakotay," Lieutenant Torres chimed in. "I mean it's our Chakotay."

"I guess that explains a lot," the Captain said, turning towards Chakotay, placing a hand on his arm. "The way you got upset when you heard Betha cry. You're always the first to rush to her. You know you're going to spoil her…"

Kathryn cleared her throat, and every face in the room turned to her. "Doctor, perhaps you should continue explaining how Chakotay can be carrying the brainwave of the other Commander," she added, not taking her eyes of her alternate.

"We haven't quite figured that out," Torres interrupted. "While Chakotay's body may be missing, his consciousness has been able to attach himself to your Chakotay. Until we find the body of our Commander Chakotay, we can't risk experimenting with removing his brainwave."

Kathryn turned towards Chakotay. She noticed her counterpart lingering at his side and found herself experiencing an increasing sense of possessiveness over the man. Stepping forward was enough for the other woman to take a step back, and allow her into his space. "Chakotay," she spoke softly. "How are you feeling?" There were other things she wanted to know, questions that were stepping over each other in her mind, desperate for answers. But when she looked into his eyes and saw the weariness in his statue, his feelings were the only thing she wanted to know.

"I feel like I've put my brain up for rent," he replied.

Kathryn, like her alternate felt the strong need to reach out and touch him.

"It's confusing Kathryn. The more episodes I have, the more the line is blurring. It's as if none of my memories belong to me, but they all belong to me. I thought I was going mad, I guess I was just in two-minds about everything."

Kathryn looked up at him shaking her head, "I see you haven't lost your sense of humour."

"Chakotay," the Captain interrupted. "Do you remember what happened to you? How did you lose your body? Where should we be looking?"

Chakotay's eyes darted to the alternate Janeway, and he reached out to still her hands. "Kathryn, I don't know. I'm not him, I can't remember things like that."

The Captain's alternate looked down at Chakotay's hands cradling her own, and she felt her breath stop. "You remember that," she said looking at him, and leading his eyes down to their joined hands. "The way you're holding my hands, that's you… that's you Chakotay."

Chakotay opened his mouth to speak, but he was drawn back to their hands again. There was something familiar in the way his thumb circled the back of her hand, and how his smallest finger lingered lazily on her wrist.

"It's not clear," he finally uttered, ignoring the dead silence of the room around him.

His words seemed to have broken whatever spell she was under, and she released his hands and looked at the glaring eyes of Kathryn behind him. "Perhaps while your crew, and mine try looking for my Chakotay maybe you should return to your quarters. You always said meditation helped you focus. Perhaps you should try that."

"Perhaps," he replied, looking down at his hands now absent of hers.

Kathryn had come to Chakotay's side and briefly looked up at him. He could be monitored from Sickbay while he meditated, with the Doctor to check on him once he was done.  
"Captain," Kathryn said, while Chakotay left Sickbay. "I'd like to speak with you, privately."

"Your quarters?" she asked.

Kathryn nodded, and the Captain turned to take Betha from Kes.

"Kes," Kathryn started. "Can you please look after the Captain's child? We won't be long, but I'd prefer no interruptions."

The Captain masked her surprise only enough so the others in the room wouldn't notice it. Kathryn however was becoming well-versed in the other woman's reactions and saw it immediately for what it was. She tilted her head slightly and watched Kes take the child. Offering their thanks both Captains left Sickbay, with no words spoken between them.

.

* * *

.

On their walk from Sickbay there was not a single stare from any crew member. They may have adapted to seeing two Captain Janeways, but more so, in the last three years they had developed a finely tuned sense of their Captain's moods. Not even her counterpart felt comfortable walking too close to Kathryn, whose body was so tightened with unexpressed furore that she feared at any moment the other woman would unleash her full fury upon her.

The alternate captain glanced briefly at Kathryn as she entered the code to enter her quarters. She took a deep breath and followed the distinct heels of Kathryn in front of her. She considered closing her eyes as the doors behind her closed, then dismissed herself as foolish at ever entertaining the idea that she should be afraid of herself.

"You had no right."

She heard Kathryn say it, but she was facing away from her. "This is getting ridiculous," she uttered regretfully.

"It's more than ridiculous Captain, it's disrespectful and I have every right to be angry about it. The way you interfered with Chakotay just now was completely out of line."

The other woman looked at the floor and contemplated her moment with Chakotay in Sickbay before looking back up at the angry woman in front of her. _Was this what she was like? Stiff and unable to express the real nature of her problems?_ Knowing yourself may be one path to wisdom, but maybe there were some things that were beyond understanding.

"Kathryn, I meant no disrespect, but how many times are we going to have this argument? I just wanted to help him," she replied.

"No, you wanted - no, demanded answers from him about where your Chakotay was. You don't even know him. He's not your Chakotay, you can't interfere like that, it will only confuse him more than he already is - we've discussed this."

Kathryn turned on her heels. She went to the replicator and ordered a coffee before taking a seat and ignoring her alternate altogether.

She wasn't sure whether it was her defiance or impatience, but the Captain felt bold. She walked up to Kathryn's replicator and ordered a tea without asking, before going to sit opposite the other woman. "That's just the thing Kathryn, he's not your Chakotay, is he? Perhaps me stepping in is less about interfering, and more about knowing the man more intimately than you do."

Kathryn watched the other woman's cup rather than the Captain holding it. It was humiliating being lectured by someone who knew so much about her life. Every thought and desire was out in the open and she had no way of controlling any of it.

"He's my friend, and I… I need you to respect that. I need you to see that no matter what the Doctor told you, he is still the Chakotay that belongs here. I can't imagine how much you are hurting—"

"Yes, you can. I've seen the way you look at him. Chakotay may be here for you, but every time he shifts away, you shift closer, trying to pull him back."

"I don't want to talk about this. I brought you here to remind who's ship you are on, and who's crew you are interacting with."

The captain put down her cup and walked towards the viewport. "Why haven't you asked me the one question you've been desperate to ask? The one question I've seen your eyes puzzling over since you found out I have a child with him."

"It's not relev—"

"That's crap Kathryn! What else are you going to do while your crew and Chakotay are busy?"

Kathryn rolled her eyes and returned her cup to the replicator. She stood staring at it for a while, thinking about how she should approach this situation. She was angry and couldn't believe this woman was anything like her - DNA be damned! She was self-righteous, stubborn, and a gloater. Kathryn breathed out her frustration, and turned around in one swift motion.

"Fine," she replied, walking back to the couch. "How did you and Chakotay become a couple? And.." Kathryn put up her hand, silencing her before she could answer. "Be respectful of the fact that I am not in that kind of relationship with my Chakotay when you think about how much to share."

The Captain hid her smile well, "alright, I'll give you the child friendly version."

"Make it, the teen friendly version," Kathryn clarified.

"Okay… It happened, well I guess it begun, while we were on the planet - New Earth. He was going to build a boat for us to explore the river with, he even drew up plans but—"

"Tuvok came back," Kathryn interrupted.

"Well yes, but not yet. Chakotay was going to start building the boat, but for two days straight it rained heavily. I looked out the window and saw all my hard work in the garden being swept away. Me being me decided to race out into the storm and rescue a few tomatoes. It wasn't one of my best ideas, and when Chakotay came out of the bathroom and noticed I had ventured outside, he raced out after me. I had slipped and was soaked, half covered in mud. Eventually we made it inside, both completely soaked and looking ridiculous."

The Captain looked wistfully out the window as she remembered, before looking back at Kathryn realising she should probably continue. "When we got back inside, I was a mess and he… well he looked at me the way he does. He pushed back a stray hair from my face, and wiped away the mud that clung to me. I remember thinking that I should say something, but I was too caught in that expression of his, and then—"

"You had sex," Kathryn added, bluntly.

"Yes, it was a bit messy, but completely amazing. Once it happened the first time, it easily happened the second, and the third time, and so on, and then of course, a few days later Tuvok called."

"How long did you have from the time Chakotay showed you the plans for the boat?" Kathryn asked.

"A week I guess, why?"

"Shortly after he showed me the plans for the boat we were contacted by Tuvok."

"Oh," she replied. "I wonder if—"

"What happened once you got back to Voyager?" Kathryn interrupted.

"Well I tried moving on, it was difficult. I didn't want what happened between us to affect the good working relationship we had built, but I really struggled - we both did. So eventually we decided to maintain our relationship, but keep it very low profile. It wasn't until I went to help Tuvok with his mind meld that the Doctor noticed something different with me."

"You were pregnant," Kathryn stated.

"Yes, and after a few weeks we officially announced the relationship to the crew. There weren't many surprises from them. I think they just assumed something would happen with us on the planet. We had a few hiccups along the way, but for the most part we were able to keep our professional and personal lives separate. The baby however, was difficult for me."

"Difficult, in what way? The birth?"

"Well that wasn't exactly fun, but no I went through a period of doubt over whether I could handle both the responsibility of raising a child and running a starship. I felt guilty whenever the slightest feeling of happiness would settle in. Whether it was the baby, or Chakotay, or even just having a particularly good day, I was afraid that my happiness was sending the wrong message to the crew. I felt like I should be in pain for every time they were."

"I can understand that. At times I have felt the same way - more so lately" Kathryn uttered. "It doesn't make a lot of sense, but it sits there all the same."

The Captain nodded at her and continued, "it was seeing Chakotay with the baby that opened my eyes. After what happened with Seska and the baby he believed was his, Betha became his salvation - his second chance at a family. Being able to provide that kind of happiness and fulfilment to at least one member of my crew felt good. And then seeing everyone else with Betha. Well, surely you've seen it with Naomi too? Children have this unique way of offering people hope."

Kathryn thought about the conversation she had with Chakotay recently. How he talked about the child he had imagined. She hadn't realised how much his experience with Seska had affected him.

"And what about you Kathryn? What happened when you returned to Voyager?"

Kathryn opened her mouth to shut the question down, but when she remembered that week, she accidentally smiled. "I couldn't sleep," she replied.

"You couldn't sleep?"

"We hadn't been on the planet that long, and I had experienced longer periods on Earth and returned to life on a starship quite easily. So I couldn't really understand what could be bothering me. Chakotay noticed there was a problem. He mentioned how he found Voyager too quiet at times, and how he missed the smell of the forest.  
The following evening I found myself yawning in my ready room and a message came through on my computer. The message told me that there was an item I needed to collect from the carbo bay. I wasn't sure who sent it, but I had a feeling it was him. I found the box immediately and held my breath as I opened the contents. Inside there were two candles and a padd. The candles smelt just like the forest near our shelter - I could smell pine and rosemary. In the padd were instructions to play a particular program on my computer. When I took the box back to my quarters I lit the candles and played the program - it was environmental music. All around me I heard the subtle noises of cicadas, and a gentle breeze blowing through trees. If I closed my eyes it was almost like being back there."

The Captain leaned forward with a puzzled expression. "Did it help you sleep?"

"Kind of, I guess that was part of it," she replied.

"Part of it? What was the other part?"

"It was the gesture, the thoughtfulness. It was the fact that he cared. That even though we were back on Voyager, I knew I was still—"

"Loved."

Kathryn nodded her head. She was reluctant to agree, no matter how much it irritated her, there was no point lying to herself.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter, but I'll probably post an extra chapter over the weekend :)

"Chakotay."

He had activated his door to open only moments after she had pressed the chime. In his arms he carried a very animated Betha. Kathryn cautiously stepped into his quarters, peering around to look for the other Janeway.

"She's not here. Her Lieutenant Torres called her down to our engineering to go over some results."

"And she didn't call me?" Kathryn asked, nudging her hand towards her combadge.

Chakotay moved her hand away with his free hand, "I guess she'll call you if there are any new developments."

"I guess," Kathryn replied. She watched him smile at her while he held the now quiet baby. She couldn't help but flick her eyes back and forth between him and the child who so perfectly combined their appearances, even down to her expression.

"She's beautiful isn't she?" he asked.

Kathryn nodded. She reached out her hand to the child who giggled at her and nudged her head in Chakotay's chest.

"Kathryn, the other Kathryn I mean, she thinks spending time with Betha might be beneficial. Maybe having her with me will stop me panicking that I can't find her."

Kathryn looked up at him, "and?… How are you?"

"I'm not sure," he replied moving to the couch. "The distinction between who I am and who he is feels blurred. Sometimes my memories feel so strong, and they do feel like they are my own, but then I experience his, and they feel just as real. We are basically the same person, the only significant differences are…" Betha took the moment to reach out and touch Chakotay's cheek.

"The baby," Kathryn replied for him.

"Yes," he nodded, looking down at the child, before looking back up at her. "And you," he looked down again away from Kathryn's gaze.

She could tell he was remembering something, something from another life, something that wasn't really his to remember - or was it? None of it was clear anymore.

"You have memories of her," Kathryn said plainly.

"Yes," he replied, still focusing on the baby. "I'm sorry Kathryn, I'm trying to keep things separate."

Kathryn couldn't help but smirk, and it was like him just to look up and notice it.

"I just can't help but wonder," he started.

Kathryn looked somewhere near him, but not at him. "You're wondering what it would have been like if we had stayed the extra week on the planet?" she added for him.

Chakotay adjusted the baby in his arms. Opening that kind of conversation with Kathryn always came with a risk. He never really had a good idea of her feelings for him, and while the appearance of the other Kathryn gave him hope, it also filled him with trepidation. His Kathryn, this Kathryn seemed to rebel against everything her counterpart had become. He tried not to take it personally, but he found it hard not to see her rejection of the alternate Janeway's decisions, as a rejection of himself.

Before the wave had thrust them into meeting this other universe, and other possible life, he had often navigated the finely drawn line of what Kathryn was willing to admit, and what he was willing to offer. He loved her too much to risk the friendship he had with her, but with each passing day he wondered how long his caution would sustain him.

"I've wondered," he answered. "Now, and before this happened," he added and she drew near.

"Before?" she questioned. She took a moment, not knowing what she was willing to admit. "I guess, I have wondered," she allowed.

"Kathryn—" he began.

"Chakotay, this isn't going to help us right now," she interrupted.

He knew a dismissal when he heard one. It was one he was willing to accept for now, but later when he was more himself this discussion would need to be had. He knew her now. Well at least he knew the other her, and knowing her meant knowing all the possibilities of them. He knew it would be difficult, she'd be stubborn, and he'd be overzealous. But they would love deeply, and when they found a balance their working relationship would only be enhanced.

He looked at the woman before him, so hesitant and remarkably beautiful. She was looking at the child he was holding and he could tell by the protective way she held an arm across her chest, how much she was holding back.

"With everything that has been happening with me, I haven't taken the time to consider how this may be affecting you. How both Kathryn Janeways are feeling, not to mention this Janeway," he said stroking the baby's hand.

"Well I can't speak for her, but the baby certainly seems happy," Kathryn replied.

"Betha," he corrected. "I'm so glad you can see her now. She won't disappear on either of us this time," he said, bringing the baby closer.

Kathryn wanted to step back from him at first, but then quickly corrected herself, before nodding in reply.

"I guess things were different when she was only a vision you were experiencing. It's hard… saying her name, making her real… I'm still trying to accept that."

Before Naomi was born they had been discussing Ensign Wildman's pregnancy, and Kathryn had accidentally revealed that she had been considering having a child. When Voyager's three week mission was completed, she was supposed to be getting married a month later. Following her wedding, having a child was the next thing her and Mark had been discussing.

He remembered when she had revealed that to him, and how quickly she had pulled back when she realised how much she had said. Chakotay had understood how difficult the admission had been for her. As Captain she often kept an arms length between herself and the crew. It had taken a lot of soul searching on her part to realise that maybe life in the Delta Quadrant required a different approach. Kathryn had needed someone to confide in, and he was more than happy to be that person.

"Maybe I should hold her," she added.

Chakotay had not expected her to say that. Momentarily stunned, he quickly moved forward and passed the baby gently into Kathryn's arms.

Kathryn allowed the baby to settle before she started to really take in exactly who's baby this was. She saw herself in the child's eyes, her lips and hair were all Chakotay's, and her skin was a beautiful mixture of them both. The baby relaxed easily in her arms, and she wondered if Betha was aware that she wasn't really her mother.

"Kathryn, come sit down. It will be more comfortable."

Kathryn walked over to Chakotay's couch. Placing the green blanket gently on Kathryn's lap, he held the blanket a little longer before letting go. A flash of memory, a sadness he had seen in her attached itself to the material.

"Does she feel real?"

Kathryn heard Chakotay, but she couldn't keep her eyes off the child. She felt a lump in the back of her throat, and she pulled back slightly. Tightening her jaw, she hoped that she wasn't about to cry.

"Yes," she replied.

"She seems quite taken with you," he added.

This time Kathryn did look up at him. "She thinks I'm her mother."

Chakotay added, "in a way you are."

"But I'm not Chakotay,."

"She may not be what you imagined—" he began.

Kathryn looked up at him, not sure she wanted to hear the rest.

"Janeway to Janeway."

Kathryn rolled her eyes before answering, "Janeway here."

"We've found something you need to see - I think it's Chakotay."

Chakotay looked up at Kathryn. She was still holding the baby who had fallen asleep in her arms.

"We'll be right there," Janeway replied. She looked down at the baby, and it occurred to her if what her counterpart had said was true, then this may be the last chance she had to hold the child.

"Kathryn," he spoke softly, aware of how quickly things were going to change once again.

"We should go to Sickbay, and leave the baby with Kes, while we address whatever discovery the Captain has made." Kathryn added.

Chakotay didn't miss Kathryn's avoidance of Betha's name. He nodded and carefully picked up the child from Kathryn's arms. He caught her gaze again while the baby made disgruntled cries at having to move again, and he saw Kathryn's arms limp to her side, as her eyes followed the child. As he gently rocked the child and calmed her, he looked back at Kathryn.

"The blanket," Chakotay said wrapping it neatly around Betha. "Why were you upset while you were working on it?"

"So you don't just have his memories, you have his visions as well?" Kathryn replied.

"It's part of the package," Chakotay replied, shrugging his shoulders.

Kathryn walked closer to Chakotay and helped him adjust the blanket more securely around Betha. Content that the blanket was securely in place, Kathryn stepped back to look at the two of them.

"I wasn't crying," she added.

"No, but for someone as meticulous as you, you didn't appear to be concentrating. You kept getting annoyed at yourself for uneven stitchers."

Kathryn looked down at the edges of the blanket, "and if you notice I fixed those stitchers."

"You did."

Kathryn took a breath and looked past Chakotay. Behind him was a small table, one that she had in her own quarters, except her's had a picture on it.

"It was my anniversary, well the anniversary I would have had if I had been married two years earlier. The material for the blanket, it was something I had picked out before the mission. It was silly really, just something to remind me that after, that… I was going to give it to… You see I had this idea that when the mission was over… well it was going to be for…". Kathryn looked up, he'd seen too much and she looked away again.

"The blanket, it was… it was a missed… a missed opportunity."


	7. Chapter 7

Two chief engineers, two captains, two doctors, and a commander argued beside a warp core.

Commander Chakotay - _the alternate Chakotay_ , had made a few brief appearances on Voyager. The teams had been attempting to understand the Commander's appearances with the presence of the flares emanating from the Partekba wave, but neither team had succeeded in making any progress.

It was Harry Kim that interrupted them. Looking from Captain to Doctor to Captain to B'Elanna, he finally settled on the one person he hoped would listen and addressed the Commander himself.

For the last half an hour B'Elanna and B'Elanna had been trying to explain to Kathryn and Chakotay that it was only when the flares turned at a particular angle that Chakotay appeared on Voyager. The Doctors however were convinced that the other Chakotay's appearances had more to do with energy the wave was producing at that time, rather than the curvature of the flares themselves. The Captain who had been amongst both theories, simply wanted her other self there as a fresh sounding board. Though on Kathryn and Chakotay's arrival, it hadn't taken too long before the two Captain's started disagreeing.

Harry who along with Tom had been monitoring the wave from the bridge had noticed that within the last few hours the flares on this side of the wave were creating more stable curves, than on the side of the wave with the alternate Voyager. He told the Captain, _his_ Captain, that Tom had suggested we move Voyager closer to the curvature of the flares, believing that the energy produced as the flares curved would push Chakotay's form into complete alignment with their universe.

No one could understand why the other Chakotay had disappeared in the first place, or why his body was suddenly making brief appearances. So even the appearance of coincidence between disappearance and appearance was reason enough to build a theory.

"What makes Tom think that Voyager won't find itself pulled in and trapped by the wave?" Kathryn asked.

Harry looked at each member of the team before looking back at his Captain. "Captain I believe he thinks he has found a way to _ride the wave_."

"Ride the wave?" she replied.

"He seems very enthusiastic about the idea too. He even suggested some modifications to the shields to help us _hang ten_."

"Hang ten?" she asked.

"It's a surfing term from the 20th—"

"Never mind Mr Kim, is that Mr Paris' detailed plan?"

"Oh yes, apologies Captain," he replied passing her the padd.

As Kathryn read through it she um'ed and ah'ed at several places, but was mostly pleasantly surprised at Tom's unique approach. It appeared to be a solid plan that would allow Voyager to more closely investigate the flares, without putting the ship into too much danger.

"Alright, Mr Kim. Send copies to everyone, and at 1400hrs we'll see just how well Mr Paris can _ride the wave_."

"Yes, ma'am."

.

* * *

.

Kathryn had a bad feeling about this plan. She'd read the idea, assigned her staff, and approved it, however she could not shake the feeling that there was something very wrong about it. She looked over at the seat next to her. It was empty again. She had reluctantly assigned Chakotay to be watched by her counterpart while she made sure Paris kept her ship intact.

Kathryn had promised to monitor Chakotay as they edged closer to the wave, and she promised not to leave his side, even if her Chakotay began to reappear on the ship. Whether she ran to her Chakotay or stayed with this Voyager's Chakotay didn't seem to matter much to Kathryn, in any case she didn't trust the other woman's emotions around either First Officer.

"Are you ready Mr Paris?" she asked, edging herself higher in her chair.

"Yes ma'am," he replied.

"Remember Mr Paris, precision over showmanship," she added.

Tom straightened his shoulders and turned towards his captain, "I wouldn't consider any other approach Captain."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow and smirked at her Lieutenant. "I guess it's time to ride the wave then- paddle softly lieutenant."

"Yes Ma'am."

The ship turned on an angle, edging itself very slightly towards Partkeba. Although the ship's gravity prevented anyone falling from one side of the bridge to the other, Kathryn couldn't help but lean her head in the direction of the ship. She saw the changing blues and greens of the wave shimmer through the viewport. As the ship leaned closer, the colours appeared to multiply and create the appearance of ripples within the wave.

"How are we faring Mr Paris?" she asked.

"So far so good. I've reduced speed, and we are being picked up by some of the smaller particles as I predicted."

"Good to hear Tom. Janeway to B'Elanna."

"B'Elanna here Captain," she replied.

"Have there been any changes to the energy dispersed from Partkeba's flares?"

"No…"

"B'Elanna?"

Before Kathryn could ask again the ship was pulled violently and Kathryn lost her balance, falling unceremoniously to the floor.

"Captain?" Harry asked from his station.

"I'm okay Harry, what's going on out there?"

"One of the flares suddenly changed direction and is hitting the hull- we've lost power to two decks."

"Mr Paris, I thought you were keeping an eye on the flares?"

"Captain I—" he started.

"Janeway to Janeway."

Kathryn slapped her combadge. "This isn't a good time Captain."

"He's here! B'Elanna just saw him in engineering. He appeared just before the ship was hit."

"And where is he now Captain?" Kathryn asked rubbing her soon to be bruised cheek.

"I don't… I don't know."

"Captain," Tom interrupted. "Another flare is approaching."

"Evasive—" Kathryn began.

"No! Kathryn please, it's the flares bringing him back," her counterpart pleaded.

"Harry, divert power to the shields. If we are going to be hit again I want to be ready." Kathryn ordered.

"Janeway to B'Elanna."

"B'Elanna here Captain."

"B'Elanna in five minutes Chakotay is likely to return, you have five minutes to work out how to keep him here."

"On it Captain."

Kathryn quickly filled in her counterpart and it was decided that she would stay in engineering with Chakotay to see if they could help, while Kathryn stayed on the bridge to ensure Paris safely approached the flares.

The next five minutes she stilled her thoughts and allowed her crew to do what they needed to do. No amount of glaring at the wave outside gave her any clear sense of what she could expect. She had checked in once with B'Elanna and the other B'Elanna, and the other Janeway, and her Chakotay, who were setting up some sort containment field to keep the other Chakotay in place once, if he retuned.

She noticed how quiet the bridge had become. Everyone was waiting for the next hit, or the next communication that Chakotay had appeared again. They were at their stations and like Kathryn, they felt drawn to the image of the wave outside the view screen.

"Captain," Tom said. "The next flare will hit us in two minutes."

Kathryn nodded and Tom turned back to his station.

"Janeway to B'Elanna," she said, hitting her combadge.

"Nothing yet Captain. We'll let you know when…"

"B'Elanna?"

"Chakotay?" she heard her counterpart say over the com.

Kathryn got out of her chair. Her mind raced, she was caught off guard by the vulnerability in the other woman's voice. She looked behind her at Tuvok and then back at Tom, who quickly turned back to his console. He saw something out there, a shift in Partkeba, and as Tom turned back, Kathryn sat down in her chair ready for the next hit.

"The containment field is becoming unstable. Captain we need more power, every deck is running on minimum power, can we reroute power from the shields? I only need another minute and I think I can stabilise it."

"Tom, how long till we are hit by the next flare?" Kathryn asked.

"Exactly one minute Captain."

"Did you hear that B'Elanna? You've got one minute, go for it."

"Yes ma'am," she replied.

60 seconds…

Kathryn leant back in her chair and straightened her back. One breath in, one breath out, she said to herself.

50 seconds…

She went to tap her combadge but thought better of it and clutched her hands together.

40 seconds…

"Captain the containment field is becoming stable," Tuvok said from his station.

Kathryn looked behind her and nodded, "Thank you Tuvok. How long do we have?"

"30 seconds remaining," he replied.

20 seconds…

"Captain.." Tom began.

"I know Tom, I know. B'Elanna," she said hitting her combadge.

"Captain, Chakotay has an idea, I just need more time," B'Elanna replied.

Kathryn looked over at Tom who just shook his head.

"We can't wait B'Elanna," Kathryn replied.

"10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5.." Tuvok began.

"He has him Captain, I just need," B'Elanna interrupted.

"Tom," Kathryn heard herself saying.

Tom frantically moved his fingers across the console, ready to push Voyager away from the wave.

"Shields have been restored Captain," Tuvok said as the ship was thrown from the impact.

"B'Elanna, B'Elanna, please respond," Kathryn said as she frantically pushed herself from the floor of the bridge.

"We lost him Captain. He's… maybe you should come down here Captain," B'Elanna replied.

Tom turned around from his station, and noticed that the bruise on the Captain's cheek had been hiding a cut. Kathryn followed Tom's line of sight with her hand and felt the sting of the open wound.

"Captain.." he started.

"Tom, just keep the ship at a safe distance. I'll be in Engineering."

"Captain, I really think…"

Kathryn turned to her helmsman with a look that was one part warning, one part thank you.

"…I should move the ship parallel to the wave. It's safer, but not completely out of range."

"Thank you Mr Paris," she nodded as she passed him, making her way to the turbolift.

.

* * *

.

When the doors on the turbolift opened at engineering, Kathryn wasn't sure what she had expected to see. Hurried crewman urgently shifting from one console to another trying to determine what had gone wrong, another furious debate between the B'Elanna's and the Doctor's, and maybe her alternate self. But as the doors opened the first thing she noticed was the quiet and the unease of B'Elanna as she stood in front of the warp core.

"Lieutenant?" she asked.

Looking in front of her, she noticed for the first time why engineering was quiet. There was B'Elanna by the warp core, and the Doctor quietly looking over his tricorder, and then, in front of her, right in front of her was Chakotay and her counterpart, kneeling on the floor, holding each other.

She stepped back, realising she hadn't seen them when she first walked in, she felt like she was invading a personal moment.

"Chakotay?" she asked.

Kathryn stepped forward again, and leant her head to the side to see him better. "Chakotay?" she repeated.

He turned his head towards her, unlike her counterpart who seemed to want to look at the floor. As she made eye contact with Chakotay a sinking feeling settled in Kathryn's stomach, and she realised something was very wrong.

"You're not…" she started. "You're not him, are you?" she swallowed, and waited desperately for him to say something, anything to confirm that her fears were unfounded. That the desperation, the relief, and the shame in her counterpart's posture was not confirmation of something she had gained, and something Kathryn had lost.

"He tried to hold on, we both did. I saw her, I saw Kathryn, and I had to hold on - he couldn't," he replied.

Kathryn stepped back. She looked around Engineering, he wasn't here, but he was, but…

"Kathryn," her other self, had stood up and now hung onto her arm. "The body of the man in front of you is the Chakotay of this vessel…"

Kathryn's eye's darted to her counterpart's awash with confusion.

"…it's his mind Kathryn. Chakotay tried to hold on to his counterpart. The two of them were here, long enough for us to take readings, but my Chakotay saw me, he tried to reach out to me, and now he has the dominate brain wave…"

"My First Officer was his way of reaching you," Kathryn added, looking from her counterpart, to the man that was now Chakotay's.

"We're going to try and get him back Captain."

Kathryn heard B'Elanna say something, but she was too busy staring at Chakotay. His eyes were as compassionate as they always were, and even though she knew they were the same eyes who had looked at her with such warmth once, she knew that the mind behind those eyes were not the ones who had cared for her before.

Kathryn went to say something, but her counterpart stepped in, "We'll have a full report for you in the next hour Kathryn, and a plan to go with that report."

"Captain," Kathryn added. "When you're on my ship, it's Captain."

Kathryn shuffled back from the other woman and looked at B'Elanna before turning around and leaving.

"Bridge," she ordered as the turbolift warmed up. As she leant against the wall, she felt the warm stickiness of her cut bleeding again. She placed a hand on her face, only to pull it away.

"Halt turbolift."

Kathryn slid down the wall of the turbolift, and sat on the ground closing her eyes to the world around her. Her mind scream out, but she felt nothing leave her body. Her jaw tensed and she pushed her hand against her mouth. Biting against it, she heard herself weep. The blood from her cheek mingled with her tears and fell in a congealed mess against her hand. There was no way she could return to the bridge in her current state.

"Janeway to Tuvok."

"Tuvok here Captain," he replied.

"I need you to update the status of a crewmember," she said.

"Which crewmember Captain?"

"Commander Chakotay, status…" she paused, rubbing the blood and tears on her sleeve. "Status missing."

"Captain?" he asked.

Kathryn stood up from the floor and adjusted her uniform.

"Lieutenant Torres will provide you with a report in the hour. I will be in my quarters going over the details of the incident. Please forward through any communications or status reports to me there."

"Yes Captain," he replied, ending the communication.

"Computer, Deck Three," Kathryn ordered.

As the turbolift hummed back to life again, Kathryn closed her eyes and felt the cut on her face continue to bleed.

This time she made no effort to stop it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is my first foray into technobabble, so please excuse any questionable science I may pull out of my hat.


	8. Chapter 8

Kathryn waited until the rush of crewmen had left the mess hall. Until every dish was cleared, every conversation hushed, until the lights softened, and only the quiet hum of Voyager's engines could interrupt her thoughts.

She took a seat by the viewport and was staring into the changing colours of the Partekba wave.

"It's beautiful isn't it?"

"Kes, I didn't hear you come in," she replied.

"I'm sorry for disturbing you Captain, I was just picking up a late dinner."

Kathryn adjusted her chair and turned towards the young Ocampan. "Don't apologise Kes, I am always grateful for your company. What has kept you working so late?" she asked and then realised she could probably answer that question herself.

"The Doctors have been busy testing Commander Chakotay, so I've been looking after other patients in Sickbay," she replied looking at the Captain's cheek.

Kathryn knew what Kes was noticing. She was noticing the patch up job she had done to her own face with the dermal regenerator. The bleeding had stopped, and the bruising had been reduced, but she still wore an obvious scar that could be easily fixed if she were to go to Sickbay.

"I wasn't ready to face the Doctor again - either of them," Kathryn added.

Kes smiled with a nod of sympathy. "If you feel like it, I can fix it for you."

Kathryn patted Kes' knee and turned towards her. "That's very kind Kes, but I want you to eat your dinner. This," she said touching her face, "this can be fixed later."

Kes nodded, and went back to eating the stew Neelix had left for her.

"Have you eaten Captain?"

"I'm not really hungry Kes," she replied.

"Just hungry enough for coffee?" Kes added.

Kathryn looked at the cup on her table and shrugged, "I guess it's better than nothing, though if Chakotay were here, he would say…" Kathryn stopped.

Kes reached out a hand towards her and Kathryn looked up.

"I've been thinking about the legend of Partkeba, about the boy and the lake. It was his family that saw the other version of their son. It was the family who heard the other possibilities of this boy's life, but the boy himself was stuck, staring into the lake. I've been wondering what he saw, what kept him stuck there."

"Maybe he saw something better than what he had," Kathryn replied.

"Captain?"

"There's an Earth saying 'The grass is always greener on the other side'. Sometimes when people aren't happy with what they have in their lives, they imagine circumstances different than what they have, and how those circumstances could be better."

Kes looked out of at the wave again and then back at her Captain. "Why is it important that the grass is greener?"

Kathryn stifled a laugh at her response. "I guess it's not. It's more about the concept of something being better because it fits within certain idealised parameters."

"Like the colour of the grass?" Kes asked.

"Yes, like the colour of the grass."

Kes pushed her plate aside. "I don't think Chakotay is lost because he wanted something better. He disappeared trying to keep a family together, it didn't matter that it wasn't his own. He saw someone hurting, separated from someone they love, and he wanted to bring them home."

Kathryn thought about her last conversation with Chakotay. Not the brief discussions they had about Tom's plan, or the logistics of the operation, but the conversation they had in her quarters about Betha.

"We were talking about Betha, about me and the idea of being someone's mother. It's surreal seeing and holding a child that is genetically yours, but at the same time isn't. He said to me that she may not have been what I imagined, but the truth is… maybe she was. We were stranded on that planet for three months. I couldn't helping imagining us, or at least a concept of us - the possibilities of what we could have. After a while I just dismissed it, and didn't think it was a realistic possibility, but — Kes, there's so much I wanted to say."

Kes moved forward. She heard the uneasiness in Kathryn's voice, and squeezed her hand to encourage her to go on.

Kathryn looked down at Kes' hand. She kept her eyes focused there, and continued. "I should have been in engineering. I should have— he didn't hold on Kes. I wasn't there, and he had no reason to hold on."

Kes felt the Captain's grip on her hand tighten than loosen. She sensed the danger the Captain carried in sharing her heart this way, and she felt touched that she was able to share this with her. Leaving her seat, she came to sit in front of the Captain. There were tears in Kathryn's eyes, and her body was so rigid it appeared to be using all it's strength to stop herself from openly weeping.

"Captain," Kes called to her softly.

"Kes," she spoke just above a whisper. "What if this is it? What if we can't get him back and he's not a part of my life anymore? Do I accept that this Chakotay the one here is not my First Officer, my friend, my… Or do I hold out hope that someday he will come back?"

Kes took a breath and remembered another time they talked like this.

"Someone very wise once told me, that the best thing you can do is give yourself time."

Kathryn smiled and nodded at the young woman.

"I should check on the Doctors before I turn in, do you need anything before I leave?"

"No Kes, and… thank you. You're right, I guess I just need some time."

Kes nodded and left Kathryn to think.

Kathryn looked down at her half drunken coffee cup and took it back to the replicator to be recycled. Turning around she noticed the wave changed colour again - purple and blue, and the slightest hint of yellow.

Kathryn placed her hand against the window. The colours played against her skin, and the wave felt closer than it really was. She opened her mouth to say something, and then stopped, and closed her eyes instead. It wasn't her Chakotay that was out there, but it might as well be. Her Chakotay was only here in body. His mind and his soul was buried under someone else's, while his body was borrowed by another.

She remembered how he was when he first saw the child. He believed so strongly she was there with nothing but blind belief supporting his assumptions. If she believed he was here could she see him too? The idea was too ludicrous to even fathom for more than a minute. No amount of belief was going to get Chakotay back. If the body of his counterpart could not be found then it would come down to a battle of which Chakotay needed to stay.

She couldn't think of a reason why Chakotay would keep a father away from his child. Duty and friendship would not be enough to make him stay. So she had to hope in the only thing she could believe in - her crew. Their combined talents and her own brand of stubbornness would have to find away to bring both men to Voyager.

Kathryn sighed as she slumped in her chair, the colours were changing again.


	9. Chapter 9

Kathryn felt the sting of five am as she turned her neck towards Chakotay's quarters. She made some kind of attempt at sleeping, but by the time the clock hit 4:30 she gave up the pretence of trying to sleep and got herself up and ready for the day. She could tell he was already awake as she could clearly hear him fussing about in his quarters on the other side of the wall.

Sighing, she allowed one hand to nurture her neck loose from it's tired knots, while the other hand reached for the panel next to his door.

"Come in."

Kathryn entered the darkened quarters of her First Officer and looked from one side of the room to the other until she saw him stand up and approach her.

"I'm sorry, it's too early isn't it, have I interrupted you?" she asked.

"Of course not," he approached her, leaned in to kiss her but stopped. He noticed immediately how her body stiffened and her eyes widened at his approach. "Oh I'm sorry," he said. Stepping back, he ordered the computer to brighten the room. "In this light I couldn't see the different uniform and I.."

"There's no need to apologise Commander. Maybe I should just go," she replied.

"Please don't. I wanted to talk to you earlier, but with everything that was going on I didn't get the chance. Would you like some coffee?"

"Have you ever known me to say no to that question?"

Chakotay smiled at her, "Well maybe not you," he replied.

Kathryn watched him walk to the replicator. She took a seat and allowed the questions to roll around her mind before she considered which one to ask.

"I know what you're thinking," he began. Her eyebrow raised at that, and he passed her the coffee. "When you're quiet like this it means you have something to say, you're just not sure how to say it yet."

Kathryn took a sip of her coffee, ignoring him for a moment and allowing the comforting flavour to focus her thoughts. "How do you know I'm just not tired, and that's why I'm quiet."

"Then you're tired then, and I'm wrong," he replied.

"Yes, but you're also right. I'm tired because I've been thinking of what to say to you."

"And?"

Kathryn sighed and disappeared into her coffee again. She waited patiently, looking into her cup. Nothing articulate was coming to her. She contemplated going back to her quarters, sleeping for another hour and hoping the extra rest would bring her clarity. But then how much time would she have during the day? How many excuses would she come up with to avoid the conversation entirely? She knew herself well enough to know how tightly she clung to avoidance, she knew…

"Kathryn, just ask."

She looked up at him, "how much of you is left? How much of him is left? "

Her voice shook, and her hands fidgeted around the coffee cup. He looked down and grasped them at either side, and helped her lower the cup to the table. He took both hands carefully into his own, and stroked her fingers gently.

"Enough to remember you, not enough to forget her."

Kathryn couldn't look at him. Looking at his hands was marginally safer, but she wished right now she was anywhere else but here.

"Kathryn," he said, getting her attention again. "This isn't my body, and this isn't my place, and until we're both back, I want you to know that I will respect the home he has given me and the affection he has for you. I shouldn't have tried to kiss her, or you. As much as I love her, I respect the sacrifice he made for me to get the body I inhabit. We will get him back Kathryn, I'm sure of it."

She gave up the pretence that she wasn't moved by his words.

"You remember me?" barely a whisper, she asked.

Chakotay nodded. "Last night I heard you playing the environmental music he made for you. Did it help you sleep?"

Kathryn smiled and pulled a hand away to wipe at her cheek. "No, not really," she replied. "I just needed to be reminded that—."

"Paris to Janeway"

"Janeway here," she replied.

"We have another idea," he said.

Kathryn raised an eyebrow and smiled at Chakotay. He took her hand and squeezed it, before they stood and left for the bridge.

.

* * *

.

"Captain on the bridge," Ensign Kim spoke as Kathryn and Chakotay entered the bridge.

"Make that Captain's Ensign," Captain Janeway said entering from the Briefing room. She exchanged a quick look towards Kathryn, and spent a little longer towards Chakotay.

"Alright," Kathryn replied, "Just what did you want to show me?"

"Not so much something to show you Captain, but something to hear." Paris replied.

Kathryn looked over at her counterpart who seemed to know something she didn't.

"Hear?" she asked.

"Kathryn, remember how we had theorised that the shapes created by the flares related to Chakotay's appearance? Well what if those shapes were something else? Something more akin to music and sound waves?" the other Captain prompted.

"You can't be suggesting the flares are producing sound?" she asked.  
"Not exactly, more like the shape of the flares have patterns, similar to a piece of music - it was Harry's observation actually."

Both Kathryn's and Chakotay turned towards the young man, who seemed quite pleased with the praise bestowed upon him.

"It was the legend, about the boy staring into the lake. I remembered reading stories as a kid about travellers who would find themselves trapped by siren song. As there is no one to sing to us in space, I wondered if there was a spacial equivalent, and it turns out that there is. It's the combination of the relative movements, of the flares, the change in colour and an unknown element that emanates from the wave itself. I can't explain fully how it works yet, but I believe it may have initially attracted the attention of Commander Chakotay while he was in a meditative state. When I analysed the flare's movements and the point at which they stretch out from the wave, I can detect a non-corporeal life sign with traits of human DNA. I believe it to be the body of the other Voyager's Commander."

Kathryn walked over to Ensign Kim's console and analysed the data he had gathered. She placed her finger along the lines that followed the pattern of the flares. There was a certain beauty to the ebb and flow of their movements, and she had noticed herself tantalised by the patterns and colours they had created outside her viewport. If the other Chakotay had initially been meditating by his viewport then maybe…

"Captain," her counterpart said.

Kathryn tore her eyes away to look up at her other self.

"If we can isolate his life signs in the flare," the Captain began.

"Then maybe we can be bring him back into his physical form," Kathryn finished.

"With the flares in constant movement I'm not sure how you are going to isolate the Commander's life signs," Tuvok added as he moved to their side.

"He could just ride it out," Tom added.

"Tom?" Kathryn asked, as all eyes feel on Tom.

"Well if we can somehow direct his life signs to a single flare maybe we can draw him in. You know like getting caught in a rip at the beach?"

"Chakotay," the Captain turned towards him. "Is there anything you remember about your experience that would help us direct your counterpart back to Voyager?"

"To be honest, I don't remember feeling or thinking anything out there. I was on my ship one minute, and the next minute I was here. It felt foggy, like a dream. I only experienced a few moments of clarity when I appeared on Voyager briefly." he replied.

"What if we could lure Chakotay back with a song of our own?" Kathryn asked.

Tom started to open his mouth, but realising he didn't know what she was referring to, quickly closed it.

"What if we used Voyager to create the same rip that drew Chakotay away in the first place, only this time use it to bring him back?" Kathryn added.

"The siren song?" Harry asked.

Kathryn's counterpart moved to his side and flipped the image of the pattern they had captured from the flares.

"We can use the tractor beam. We can pull one of the flares and create a rip of our own - opposite to the one that pulled him away. Once it draws Chakotay in, we can isolate his life sign and beam him back."

"It would require significant power to both manipulate the flares and isolate the Commander's life signs Captain," Tuvok added.

"Not if a shuttle is the one doing the manipulating," Tom added. "In order to target the flares just right, you're going to need a lot more manoeuvrability than Voyager can offer. Captain, let me take a shuttle, and I can manipulate the flare, while you focus on using Voyager's resources to bring back Chakotay."

Kathryn looked over at her counterpart who seemed to be urging her on to respond. She looked back down at Harry's console and ran her eyes over the pattern once more. She saw the image of the flare flicker and change - the blues, the oranges, now greens and purples. Could it be tantalising enough to draw him back?

"Captain?"

It was Chakotay, this time it was his turn to draw her back. Looking up she smiled at him and the other eager crewmen around her.

"Mr Paris, work with Harry to calculate the correct tractor settings to manipulate those flares. Make Voyager irresistible gentlemen."

"Yes ma'am."


	10. Chapter 10

"What if this doesn't work Tom?"

Tom looked over at Harry as he tapped away on one of the shuttle's consoles.

"It's going to work Harry," he replied.

Harry stepped back from the console and walked back to his seat. "You say that now, but what if we are just leading Chakotay back only to fail in getting him aboard the ship?"

"Wait, so you believe we can pull him back but you don't believe two B'Elanna's, two Janeway's, and two of the Doctor can't put him back together again? This isn't exactly the first time Chakotay has been separated from his body. If the doc was able to put him back then, then he can put him back this time."

"I just think…"

"No, Harry this isn't thinking, this is worrying. We've gone over the procedure and your theory is sound - it will work," Tom added.

.

* * *

.

"What if this doesn't work Chakotay?"

The Captain moved to stand beside Chakotay as they waited for the rest of the team to join them.

"Kathryn, it will work, it has to."

"It having to work is enough for you then?" she asked.

This was the Kathryn he had fallen in love with, the one who bore his child, the one who desperately wanted him back in his own body, and then back in her arms.

"Well are we ready?" one of the Doctor's said as they walked up to the couple.

The captain straightened herself and stepped back from Chakotay, "Almost, we're waiting on the rest of our—"

"Here they are," Chakotay interrupted noticing the other Janeway, and both B'Elanna's make their way to the engineering station.

"Chakotay, if this doesn't work," the Captain whispered. "You're going to have to make a choice, and as much as I feel for Kathryn, she doesn't have the prospect of raising a child on her own to look forward to."

Chakotay looked down at this Kathryn, the one his mind knew better than his body. She had that steely-eyed gaze she has when she'd stare down an alien through the view screen. But it only took a few seconds for her eyelashes to flutter, and for her to quickly look away as if she was ashamed of her own thoughts.

"Are we ready to start then," the Doctor, one of the Doctor's said as everyone made their way to their stations.

Kathryn looked between her counterpart and Chakotay. She dismissed the tension and looked back towards her B'Elanna.

"Janeway to Paris, you may begin."

.

* * *

.

Kathryn watched through the monitor as Paris swiftly maneuvered around the flares. Diving under and between, he came to a halt and she watched as he began the tractor beam. She felt a shiver come over her, an unease as the flare moved closer to the shuttle. She stepped forward, leaning over the console, watching, waiting.

"Captain, I don't know how long the shuttle can hold the flare," B'Elanna mentioned at her side.

"Give him time B'Elanna, he'll come through for us," Kathryn replied.

"Captain, I just think," B'Elanna looked up at Chakotay, and saw him shake his head. "Okay, I'll wait," she said, moving to the other station, pressing buttons furiously.

The shuttle released the flare and an audible sigh could be heard across engineering. Not giving up, Paris and Kim repositioned the shuttle and began again. More promising this time, the tractor beam held on longer than a minute, before releasing again.

"Come on Tom, you have to move, you're too close," Kathryn said.

Kathryn could almost feel the flare touch the shuttle. Instinctively, she moved closer, and as she did, she noticed the shuttle grab hold. Looking more promising this time, she looked over her shoulder getting reading to signal the other B'Elanna at the transport console. Then just as quickly, she saw the shuttle swiftly turn and release it's hold on the flare.

"Janeway to Paris," she tapped her com badge.

"Paris here, I'm sorry Captain. I can get close enough to pull the flare in the right direction, but the shuttle's tractor beam just doesn't have the strength to hold it in place for the transport."

"No," Kathryn uttered. "No we aren't done yet. I'm going to need you to try again Mr Paris."

"Captain… Captain" B'Elanna repeated.

Kathryn turned towards B'Elanna.

"We can use Voyager's tractor beam along with the shuttle's. I know we are further away, but we don't need to be as close as the shuttle. We just need to be give them an extra burst, then activate the transporters, and release the beam. It will happen in a matter of seconds, but I think it's possible."

"Mr Paris, are you hearing this?" Janeway asked walking over to B'Elanna's station.

"Yes Ma'am, I'm ready when you are," he replied.

"Alright, here's the sequence of events, one, Mr Paris moves into position and activates the shuttle's tractor beam, two, B'Elanna you lock on to the position of Mr Paris' tractor beam and act as an extra power source, three, our visiting B'Elanna will isolate Chakotay's life signs within the flare. Once we have a lock on his life signs, we will transport all remaining power to the transporter and beam him into the stasis chamber. We will no doubt lose the strength of the tractor beam during transport so we won't have a lot of time to get him out of there. Are we all satisfied with the plan?"

A series of 'yes ma'ams' were heard across engineering and the shuttle, and everyone made their way back to their stations.

"Engage Mr Paris."

"Yes Ma'am," he replied.

Number one…

"Alright Chakotay, it's time for you to come home," Paris said as he activated the tractor beam.

Two…

Zooming into the section of the flare Paris had targeted, B'Elanna found her target and locked on with the tractor beam. "I have it Captain."

Three…

Looking over at the other Lieutenant Torres, Janeway gave the signal to start the transport. She watched as the other woman furiously tapped across her control panel trying to isolate Chakotay's life signs. "I have him Captain, but he seems to be drifting in the other direction. The transporters are having trouble maintaining a lock."

"Come on Chakotay," Kathryn spoke quietly to herself.

"We're losing strength on both tractor beams Captain," B'Elanna said.

The other B'Elanna moved to the panel behind her and started rerouting power to the phasers.

"What are you doing?" B'Elanna asked.

"I'm going to give our old friend a kick up the butt."

Both Kathryn's and Chakotay seemed alarmed and went towards B'Elanna's station.

"You're doing what?" Kathryn asked.

"Hold the beam for me Captain I have an idea."

Kathryn was only momentarily perturbed by having a lieutenant order her about when she decided just to trust the other woman instead.

"Alright," she replied.

A short burst from the phasers hit the opposite side of the flare, and it pushed the flare closer towards Voyager. B'Elanna recognising what her counterpart had done, took the opportunity and locked onto Chakotay's life signs.

"I have him Captain, beaming him, or at least particles of him into the stasis chamber now."  
A shimmer of blues and purples entered the see-through stasis chamber in engineering. Somewhere within all the colour and movement was Chakotay, and Kathryn couldn't help but touch the surface.

"Captain, I have everything beamed over that has a spec of human DNA," B'Elanna said.

"Well done everyone. Now let's get everyone back on board and restore full power to the ship. Mr Tuvok," Kathryn said tapping her com badge. "Once Mr Paris' shuttle is safety on board, please move us to a safe distance from the wave."

"Yes Ma'am," he replied.

Kathryn continued to stare at the particles of colour in the stasis chamber. It was hard to believe that somewhere in there was Chakotay…

"You did it Kathryn."

Turning around, she saw the smiling face of her counterpart. "Yes, we all did it," she clarified.

Turning back to the stasis chamber she felt the other woman step back from her side. Placing her hand on the surface, she spread her fingers out watching the light and colour filter across her hand.

"Welcome back Chakotay."


	11. Chapter 11

It was the Doctor's turn to be the hero this time - well both Doctors, and the B'Elanna's. Both Janeway's had to sit this one out. Neither wanted to be responsible for this working or not working, and there were already too many cooks in the engineering kitchen.

"You have to do your calculations based on their last physical exams," Voyager's Doctor said.

"We will be using the transporter technology to restore his body back to humanoid form, so we have to use Chakotay's transporter record from our Voyager," the other B'Elanna retorted.

"You're both right, though I'm probably more right," the Doctor's counterpart added.

The remaining B'Elanna and the Doctor just stared at each other before they continued arguing.

Kathryn looked over at them briefly, and was about to say something when she heard someone clear their throat behind her. The arguing died down as Kathryn turned around to face the unexpected peacemaker.

"Chakotay, looking forward to being back in your own skin?" Kathryn asked smiling at him.

"At this stage I'm just hoping that all my arms and legs get reattached properly," he replied.

Kathryn laughed and patted his shoulder. She looked to the side and noticed someone was missing. "Where's Kathryn?" she asked.

"She was missing Betha, and had to check in with Voyager, I mean our Voyager," he replied.

Kathryn nodded her head towards B'Elanna's office and Chakotay followed after her. "It's still confusing isn't it? The line between your memories and experience?"

Chakotay turned to face her. He wanted to reach out and touch her face, and the thought had already progressed to movement as his hand was halfway there. Kathryn saw the hesitation but took his hand carefully and he moved it so it was placed against her cheek. She closed her eyes as he made contact, and she sighed quietly.

"Memories are just feelings, and I remember how much he loves you…"

She opened her eyes and looked directly at him.

"…and I feel it," he continued.

"And you can say it," Kathryn added.

"Tell him."

"What?" she asked.

"Tell him, about your memories, your feelings," he added.

"I'm his Captain, I can't—"

"You already know how he feels, and I can tell you that he won't take it badly or think of you as unprofessional if you tell him the truth."

"Perhaps," she said stepping back from his touch.

"EMH to Captains Janeway and Commander Chakotay, we are ready to begin the procedure."

Kathryn looked at Chakotay and smiled. She knew that whatever happened next would require a certain type of bravery she hadn't had to summon in a long time.

"Janeway here Doctor, we're on our way."

It took her counterpart a few more minutes to pass Betha onto Kes before joining them in engineering, but as soon as she joined them, the Doctor began explaining the procedure again.

"We have erected a privacy screen around the stasis chamber, when we transport the Commander back into his humanoid form he will very obviously be naked." Voyager's EMH said.

"Obviously," Kathryn said, as both her and her counterpart tried not to laugh.

"When the Commander is brought back to human form he may experience severe disorientation, and it will be difficult to guess what his mental state will be. Now while there aren't that many differences between the two Chakotays, there are slight differences in their DNA, and their brain wave patterns due to them being from different universes. The sooner we restore each consciousness to the correct body the better. That procedure will be conducted in Sickbay, by myself and my esteemed colleague here."

"It will be a honour and a privilege," The Doctor's esteemed colleague, and alternate universe duplicate agreed.

Kathryn ignored the Doctors posturing and asked them to begin the procedure. Within a matter of a few seconds the shimmering particles of blue and purple spun and changed into multiple reds and oranges until the transporter finally decided on the correct form.

Kathryn could only see Chakotay from the shoulders up, but as she walked over to the chamber she felt a sense of relief when the Chakotay in front of her, confused at first, smiled.

.

* * *

.

It took 4 hours of calculations and 10 seconds of transporters before both Chakotay's were returned to normal. One stepped freely into the arms of a Kathryn Janeway and her child, while another stood back and smiled as another Kathryn Janeway tentatively made her way to his side.

She felt her hands shake. Her smile was radiant and her eyes were glistening. "Commander," she said, as the happy couple beside her looked towards them.

Chakotay reached out his hand and she happily took it, "Kathryn."

"It's good to see you Chakotay, are you ok?" she asked.

"I think so, are you ok?" he asked.

Kathryn nodded, almost laughing, and looked back towards the other couple, before turning back to Chakotay. "I guess it's time to say goodbye. Oh I'm going to miss her," Kathryn said as she approached the child. Chakotay not far behind watched as Kathryn freely caressed Betha's cheek, and lightened up as she smiled.

"It's been an experience," Chakotay's counterpart added.

"It has," he agreed. "Thank you, thank you all for bringing us back," Chakotay added looking around the room.

"Captain," said the EMH. "If you don't mind, I'd like to wish my counterpart the best before he leaves."

"Of course," Kathryn replied.

Kathryn gave up the pretense of holding back her tears as she said goodbye to Betha. The emotion she had been holding back while the child had been with them spilled forward.

"Kathryn?" the Captain stepped forward placing a hand on her arm. "She'll miss you."

Kathryn looked at Betha who had looked from her to the familiar eyes of her mother, "no Captain, she won't, she has you."

Chakotay's counterpart stepped forward and noticed what Betha was still wrapped in. "The blanket, we almost left without returning it."

Kathryn stopped his hand from moving the blanket. Holding her hand on his she connected herself to him, the baby and her other self. "No, you keep it, it's Betha's. It was always meant to be hers."

"Thank you," Chakotay replied as Kathryn moved her hand away, saying her last goodbye to the family.

Kathryn watched them leave and as the other couple left, it was only the supportive hand she felt on her shoulder that steadied her.

When she straightened her posture, he walked in front of her, guiding her eyes back to his own.

"Kathryn?"

"Hmm?" she replied.

"How long have you stared into the lake wondering what is on the other side?" he asked.

"Pardon?"

"I saw how you looked at Betha, I felt how the other Kathryn looked at me, and I can see how you look at me now."

Kathryn nodded her head and led him to the Doctor's office. "This may not be the right place to discuss this, but I can't go out there while I look like this. Computer, replicate a cloth and a small mirror."

Kathryn picked up the mirror and the cloth and made her way back to Chakotay. Looking at both items, she put the mirror down and passed Chakotay the cloth. "I'm afraid this experience has caused my make up to run. Care to assist your Captain?" she asked.

Lifting her chin, he took the cloth in his other hand, "of course."

"I've had trouble sleeping Chakotay."

Chakotay stopped moving the cloth against her cheek and looked up at her. "I know."

"I haven't had that problem in a while. Not since…"

"We got back from New Earth," Chakotay finished for her.

She nodded, and when she stopped, he continued cleaning the mascara from under her eyes.

"You didn't just stare into the lake wondering what was on the other side Chakotay, you actually experienced it, or at least memories of it. You have me at a clear disadvantage. Tell me, if you had the choice…" she began.

"No, you're the only Kathryn I see - I'll always choose you," he replied.

He showed her the mirror so she could check her face, "what do you see Kathryn?"

"Well you've fixed my mascara," she replied.

"Yes, but that's not what I'm asking."

"I don't like looking at my reflection for too long Chakotay," she replied.

He took the mirror and cloth from her and put them back in the replicator. Moving past her he sat on the edge of the Doctor's desk, and after a moment she joined him.

"You said you'd choose me," she said.

"Yes," he waited.

"And what if nothing ever changed between us? If we remained as we are - colleagues, and friends," she asked.

"Is that what you want?" he asked.

"I'm not good at this Chakotay. The melding of worlds, professional and personal. It's dangerous for me, really dangerous," she replied.

He looked down at her hand against the Doctor's desk. She was clinging to the desk, holding on as if it could slip away from her completely.

"I know, it scares me too," he replied.

"You?" she asked, moving to stand, with her hands in front of her.

"I've fallen in love with someone I'm not sure can love me back," he replied.

"Should Chakotay. It was never a matter of ability," she replied.

He stood beside her and watched her take a breath at their proximity. "Semantics aside, there may be conditions for you, but there are none for me. I love you, it's that simple."

"That simple," she repeated, flicking her eyes to his.

He watched her eyes and missed her hands moving towards his neck. He felt himself lean towards her, but missed her pulling him there. He saw a smile and missed his own. He thought he heard a laugh, but only felt it when it was against his lips. The warmth, the moment - all of it here in this room, in her arms. They stayed like that, wrapt in the simplicity of their feelings until the shuffle of boots from the hallway gently pulled them apart.

Kathryn touched her lips. She looked at him, looking at her and she saw herself.

Her Chakotay in front of her was not another possibility. He was not a borrowed experience, a glimpse into the could-be - he was her reality.

"What now?" he asked.

She stepped back without looking away from him. Around her she heard the Doctor and B'Elanna return. She sensed the Doctor notice them, but felt them both back away and leave the room again. Kathryn opened her mouth to say something but felt a nervous twinge and stopped herself before finally answering.

"You once called me brave Chakotay. I'd like to test that belief."

She reached her hand towards him. Her arm was strong but her hand looked uncertain. "If you take my hand you have to forget what you learned about her, and forget what you think you know about me. If we do this, we do this with fresh eyes. We can't compare ourselves to them, and our expectations of each other should be based on what we discuss, not what we've seen or experienced of our counterparts. I can't love you based on what you think I can give you."

Chakotay took her hand.

"That was quick," she said, trying not to smile too much at his enthusiasm.

"When I was seeing visions of the baby, when I mistook his memories for mine, you tried to ground me, you asked me to see you. I'm not looking into the lake Kathryn, I'm not hoping for the possible - I'm back here on the shore, hoping for right now, and right now all I see is you."

Kathryn's world stopped. The warmth in her belly raised freely and fiercely up her body and along her arms. She saw her choice not in the alluring and changing colours of the Partekba wave, but in simple clear black and white.

"What do you see Kathryn?"

She pulled her shoulders back, and pulled his hand to her side. When she opened her mouth to speak there was no stammer, and no hesitation in her smile. From the moment he asked the question her eyes remained focused on his.

"You my love, I'm looking at you."

.

.

.

The end :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who took the time to read, and a big thank you to those of you who have reviewed. Never did I imagine how complicated technobabble would be! My hats off to all who attempt it, and who are far more coherent at it than me. 
> 
> I have been imagining stories between these two delightful travellers of the Delta Quadrant since way back in ’96. They’ve always provided a very familiar type of comfort to me over the years, and I’ve cherished the times I have read their adventures told by other fic writers. 
> 
> With that in mind I thought that it was only fair that I finally published a complete story of my own :)


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